On The Move

It’s been a year since I last wrote. 2015 was hard…and busy. Trying to get back into the blog since I love to write and its one of my favorite ways to relieve stress.

Lots of change has happened within the year. For starters, we don’t live in Texas anymore. We moved to Kansas three months ago due to a job change. My husband now runs a city in rural Western Kansas. It has definitely been a change going from one of the biggest metro areas in the country to a population of less than 2,000.

Kansas was definitely out of the blue. I remember when my hubby first told me about the opportunity and it caught me off guard, but I am a supportive wife and I believe that opportunities shouldn’t be turned down without inquiring first. Plus, I was able to transfer my job, so that helped with being more supportive of the opportunity. J

The turnaround was quick. 6 weeks after the job offer, we packed a moving truck and moved. Living in a smaller community hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. I love how I don’t have to deal with traffic and I like how quiet it is and that I don’t have to rush everywhere I go. It’s definitely easy going and I like that. I haven’t been as stressed in the last three months like I have been the entire time I lived in Texas. However, there are some draw backs to living in a small town. For example, you’re limited to just about everything. Grocery stores don’t carry everything you’re used to buying, or there isn’t a lot of selection. Plus, we have noticed items are more expensive.

As you can imagine, when you’re new in a small town and you’re in charge, people notice. In Texas, we were invisible, but here, we are more in the spotlight. Eyes are always watching and mouths are always talking.

 It is also harder to make friends in a small town, which is something I didn’t think would be an issue. We have met a handful of genuinely nice people, so I am thankful for that. I miss my lifegroup from church and miss sharing life with friends.

Even though there are challenges, I believe we are here for a reason. The big city was overwhelming us, especially the last two years. Having a more simple life has been nice. My goal for 2016 is self-care. I haven’t taken care of myself very well, especially since Jonathan was born. I/we have definitely let ourselves go and that’s not healthy. Since we have moved, we have gone on bike rides, spent more time as a family, eaten better and have had more of a balance.

I also believe we were sent here to make a difference. I know some people are having a hard time with change or seeing the vision of the future. Some are very happy that we are here. We both are in the position to help and make a difference in this community and I look forward to seeing what we can accomplish and what we will learn while living here.

Lots Going On

I haven't posted in a while. LOTS going on. Be back soon....

It's All Mental, Right?!?

For the last couple of months, I’ve felt completely alone. I feel like the only one who gets me in my 9 month old son. Then I think logically and realize he doesn’t know anything about house fires and honesty, but he does know a little bit about anxiety and fear as he has been showing those signs for a few weeks now. So we can connect on that level I guess. 

I’ve always dealt with some type of anxiety. As a kid, it was separation anxiety. As an adult, I still struggle with separation anxiety, but also PTSD from being attacked at age 20, certain relationships cause me to have anxiety and now I’m dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. I also have a lot of anger built up inside. I have a lot of unsettled issues that I can’t seem to get over or I get triggered and I am constantly reminded of the hurt. Also, I have discovered that I have a lot of anger towards our house fire. The last time I drove by the house, I got so angry. I don’t really know why I’m angry, but I am.

So here I am, dealing with old and new anxiety and anger with no one to talk to or help me understand how to handle some of these feelings. I’ve at least pinpointed out the real issues, it’s just dissecting each piece and going from there and coming up with new ways on how to deal because the old ways isn’t working anymore.

My feelings have put strain on some of my relationships. It’s hard to fully respect someone when they haven’t fully respected me or have been honest the whole time I have known them. Then I’m expected to go on and act like it’s no big deal. Or there has been other friends and family who have really hurt me and I just don’t know how to deal with them anymore.

I am a true believer of mental health care, but it seems like not a lot of people are on board with my beliefs. It’s super hard to find a good person to talk to and when you find that person, they are expensive. I’m still trying to find someone, but in my opinion, it shouldn’t be so hard. However, this is America and whenever you need help, you gotta jump through burning hoops to get anywhere.

I find it amazing how life events can affect your brain. Some say, “Oh, just snap out of it” or “it’s all mental.” Obviously they didn’t listen in psychology class because traumatic events can cause damage or imbalances and it takes more than snapping out of something to get back to “normal.”

I’m hoping that I can find some relief or some understanding soon. Have you ever had built up anxiety, fear or anger? How have you dealt with it?

Essential Oils: The New Lehr Craze

In 2008 when we moved to Portland, I began having weird health symptoms, mostly dealing with headaches. I have always dealt with headaches since I was young, but these headaches seemed different. I went to doctor after doctor.  They just kept prescribing medicine that didn’t seem to help me at all. Then one day a friend of mine suggested I go see a naturopath doctor.

I scheduled my first appointment. My doctor’s office was in SE Portland and if you know anything about Portland, you know that SE is the place of diversity and uniqueness aka Keep Portland Weird. I open the door to the clinic and I was taken back by how soothing the waiting room was. It was NOT your typical doctor’s office. There was a big window and outside they had a garden. There were plants everywhere and it just seemed so relaxing.

I met my doctor for the first time. I came with a page full of symptoms ranging from headaches, acne, dry skin and rashes. My doctor spent a whole hour and a half of uninterrupted time listening to me and how I have been feeling!! What western doctor does that?  My doctor suggested a few tests to see what was going on. Long story short, I had found out that I had a food allergy to dairy and sugar. I wasn’t surprised by the sugar since my dad can’t have sugar, but I was blown away by the dairy news. I went home and read about dairy and how it can cause all of the symptoms I was having. Getting off dairy is hard. I am still not 100% off dairy, but I have decreased my dairy usage and my headaches decreased and have felt much better. Who would have thought that a food allergy was the culprit of a lot of my health problems?

I was then sold on natural medicine. I went back to my doctor a few times due to other health problems and instead of prescribing me medicine, it was always a natural remedy of tinctures, salves and supplements…that really worked.

Since 2008, I have been on a quest to live a healthy lifestyle and not give in to medicine and even products with chemicals. It took a bit to convince my husband, but he is starting to catch on. Thankfully since then, we have a lot of friends who have similar interests and are into the natural lifestyle and we have learned tips and tricks that we have incorporated into our home.

For the most part, our house is full of non-toxic cleaning supplies and healthy alternatives. No, we are not perfect and slip a Tylenol here and there or temporally use a popular soap until we get our normal soap in stock, but we have come a long way to make our home healthier.

The most resent thing I have incorporated into our house is essential oils. I have always been interested in essential oils, but haven’t had the money or time to really understand the benefits. I got some oils from my sister for Christmas. I have been hooked ever since. I love lavender. I use it every night before bed. It calms me down and I feel like I sleep better. There have been times where I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t go back to sleep. I then reapply some lavender oil and the next thing I know, I am back to sleep.

The last few months have been super stressful for me. I have been dealing with more headaches. This is where I admit that my diet has not been the most healthiest, which is probably the main culprit of these headaches, but I can’t rule out stress either. I have used peppermint oil and within a half an hour, my headaches were gone. Speaking of stress, I have used the stress away oils and I do feel less anxious and not as stressed.

A couple of weeks ago I had strep throat. I didn’t have any lemons, so I used my lemon oil and added it to a hot cup of water and honey for my throat. It provided immediate relief. Also Thieves helped my throat too. Also, I didn’t want my family to get sick, so I diffused thieves and so far, my family hasn’t gotten sick.

I’ve only been using essential oils for a short amount of time, but I can already see amazing results. I can’t wait to keep using essential oils and experimenting with them to see what other amazing things that can be life changing and make our lives and home healthier.

Please contact me for more information about essential oils. I would be happy to talk with you and get you started with your essential oils experience. 

Why Texas?

Why Texas? This is a question I keep asking myself more and more these days, especially since coming back from Oregon last week.

3 years ago we packed up our stuff and moved from Portland to Texas because John got a job right out of grad school that was too good to pass up. We had no hesitations moving here. It just seemed right. At first I really liked Texas. It was warm, it was sunny and it didn’t rain every day. There was a lot of stuff to do too. There was no reason not to love living in Texas. That feeling quickly went away about a year after we got here.

Reality kicks in every time we go back to Oregon to visit. Reality kicks in when family comes to visit us. I’ve gotten to the point where I dread going back home to visit because I know the entire time I will be heart broken and question why we don’t live near our friends and family.

I had some comfort after our house fire in December when we had no home for a week. Here was the opportunity to go wherever we wanted since we were homeless, but God quickly helped us find a home to lease within a week. We signed a 2 year lease and I felt God really directing our path. I thought to myself, ok, we have at least 2 more years in Texas. I was fine with that, but for some reason, my mind still questions why we live in Texas.

Last week we spent some time in California and Oregon. The moment we landed in Oakland, I got tears in my eyes. I knew right then I was going to have a tough time being home. The next day when we woke up, it was sunny and I saw palm trees. The air was amazing. I could actually breathe!! I was back in a familiar territory. I have a fascination with the bay area. I always have been since I was 14 and have always said that one day I would live there.

Seeing family is always great, but it also breaks my heart. It’s even worse now that we have a son. I don’t think it is fair that my son can’t see his family all the time. I also don’t think we should have to split time with family when we visit. It’s just stupid. It shouldn’t be that way. I don’t like it.

Another bummer about our vacation was that my son got bad allergies. I was hoping that the fresh air would actually help my son with his allergies, but it got worse. He didn’t sleep, he was fussy and I felt like I was a brand new mother all over again. Mid way through our vacation, I couldn’t wait to get back to Texas because he would have his own bed and be in his own environment. This thought made me more confused. Was God trying to tell me something and hint that Texas isn’t that bad? Ugh.

I’m trying to give Texas another chance. In the last 3 years, we have gone from food stamps, to buying all the food we want. We have gone from a small apartment to a 2 story house. Working at a part time job and now working for one of the top non-profits in the country. We have friends and have church. Plus John and I are stronger than ever and we went from a family of 2 to a family of 3. With all of the good things that have come out of living in Texas, how could I not like it here?

Have you been in a similar situation? How have you dealt with it? What brought you peace? 

Hmmm...

So this has been on my mind since the whole SEA fraternity outbreak that happened a couple of weeks ago. I’m not going to lie, I was a little giddy over the fact that they shut down a fraternity. No offense to the Greeks out there, but I can’t stand the Greek life, especially fraternities.

When I lived in Eugene, my apartment was surrounded by Abercrombie, Audi driving preppy boys that for some odd reason loved hanging out on the roof of their frat house listening to David Mathews Band (note: this was in the year 2000-2002).  This was just the daytime, but then there was the weekends, and by weekends, I mean starting Thursday night there was parties ALL THE TIME.

The one piece of advice that I actually listened to when I went straight to college out of high school was never go to a frat party. Why? Because I would get dated rapped. So I stayed away from the frats, even though I learned real quickly that partying was not my thing anyway. I mean really, have you been to a party and see someone wasted? They look like idiots and they put themselves in danger. I don’t want to look pathetic or get hurt.

Now I am not saying that EVERY frat guy is a sexual predator, but I can’t help but think that when I hear about frat guys. Although, at this point, I feel that all guys are sick pervs and it’s hard for me to respect men. Yeah, I know…totally feminist right now, but that’s how I’m seeing things right now because no man has proved me wrong yet.  

Anyway, I have mixed emotions on why the fraternity was shut down. Last time I checked, it was 2015, not 1950. There shouldn't be racism, but there is and there will always be racism. This is one thing I got out of my anthropology class back in the day. We talked about racism and I came to the realization that we will always judge others by the way they look and we will never be treated equal. Now, look at the news today or even just a TV show or song. Do you hear racism or judgment? YES! But life goes on as we know it. So why is this frat situation SO horrible that the University had to shut down a fraternity because they were drunken idiots chatting racist remarks behind closed doors?

Now, let’s get to the part where I am really confused. You have a University that shuts down a fraternity for racist remarks, but what about the girls that get rapped every weekend inside those fraternities? What about the illegal drugs and underage drinking that are used inside the fraternities? I’m guessing that is acceptable even though those are actually crimes.

When will protecting women’s safety be important? Look at the NFL. They are starting to get on the whole domestic violence and sexual assault campaign. Which I am glad, even though I kind of see it as fake because I think the NFL was feeling the pressure and they wanted to get the victim rights advocates off their back. I hope I am wrong because having men stand up for women’s rights is a huge step in trying to change oppression.

My wish is that one day women can feel safe and that violence against women will be taken seriously. Maybe one day an organization will be shut down because of a criminal act towards women. I can’t wait for that day. I will be really giddy then for sure!!!  

This is What I Do...

I find it a bit funny when people ask what I do for a living. I say “I work for MADD.” They have a surprised reaction, then they ask what I do for MADD. I explain that I am a victim specialist and I help victims with whatever they may need, i.e., criminal justice system, emotional support, referral to resources, facilitate support groups, VIPs, etc. Then it seems like they get weirded out and don’t know what to say because it usually gets awkward. Some say “I don’t know how you do it?” I’m like, okay…??? Someday when I’m feeling sassy, I will say “I don’t know how you ____(insert their lame job)” I get where they are coming from, but it kind of gets annoying because it makes me feel like I’m a freak for wanting to help people.

Being a victim advocate is hard and it’s not for everyone. We are a special group of people for sure. Not everyone can call someone who just lost a loved one the night before and have a conversation with them. Or assist someone who has survived a crash, but they struggle on a daily basis because they have flashbacks of their crash or they are disabled due to being injured. Or what is really hard is telling someone the realities of the criminal justice system. Yes, the drunk driver killed someone, but most likely they are only going to get probation because they will agree to a plea bargain.

Working with cases dealing with kids is especially hard for me. I know the realities of life and I know that one minute you’re alive and the next you could be dead. I have always been fearful of death, and this job has definitely magnified my fear of sudden loss. I try to make every moment count and try to be extra safe, especially in the car. Which I wish some other family members did the same.

I often question why I do what I do. I mean, my original major was journalism, which changed to criminal justice and not because I was interested in the topic. I too became a crime victim and wasn’t satisfied with the justice system. So I thought I could help change it or at least help victims who don’t know what to do after they have been involved with a crime. I guess that is what keeps me going. For some reason God sent me in this direction and until I’m called in another direction, it is what I am supposed to do.

I find it interesting the paths that God puts us on. All of these non-profit organizations have been created because someone became a victim of crime and they were not going to sit back and feel sorry for themselves for the rest of their life. They take action. They fight for justice. They take a negative situation and put it towards something positive. That is how MADD got started. That is how many of these other non-profits got started because they too have been a victim. Yesterday I met a woman who started a non-profit with her mom because she was shot and became paralyzed 20 years ago. She now helps disabled victims. If it wasn’t for her, there wouldn’t be a resource for some of my victims who are dealing with disability due to their injuries. There are some pretty fascinating stories and people in my field. You can’t get that working at a bank or McDonalds….

My Lucky Charm

Jonathan's first St. Patrick's Day. Love him more and more everyday.

Friends

Sometimes I wish life wasn’t so hard to figure out. It’s like a constant roller coaster that never stops. Life is just full of up’s and down’s. Lately, I’ve been more down. I don’t know if it’s because the last three months have been stressful due to our house fire and adjusting to the changes or if there is something going on that is bigger and deeper. Or maybe it’s the weather…it’s been pretty gloomy here, which is one of the main reasons why I don’t want to move back to Oregon.

Also, I’ve been questioning a lot of people these days. For example, we have some friends we have known for a long time. We have shared life together, so you would think those friends would share something exciting with us. Did they? No. We had to find out via Facebook…three months later. This doesn’t hurt as much as when I really opened up last year and shared really personal things. I felt good and felt like we bonded and our friendship grew closer, but ever since I took initiative to really open up (which is really hard for me to do), I got burned as this person hasn’t talked to me since. This is why I hate making friends sometimes.

This person has made me so mad and I hate how I have been so wrapped up about getting dissed by my “friend.” Obviously, I don’t need this in my life, but why is it so hard for me to get over it? I think the answer is that I just want a friend and I thought I found someone who could be that person, but obviously I was wrong.

Another thing that has been bothering me about people is that I feel like we (John and I) are constantly being judged. I think we are liked by many, but then I think we are segregated by some due to jealousy. It’s like, who can you trust these days? Apparently, not many.

I do appreciate those who are genuinely our friends. I hope you know who you are. I love how I can come to them and share my strengths, weaknesses and struggles. I have learned a lot from friends and I hope they learn from me (us) as well. Thank you to all of my new and old friends who have been there for me (us) and actually enjoy being friends. I hope that these friendships will grow bigger and better and that we will always accept one another for who we are, even if we may not agree on certain things.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

The Trials We Face

A couple of days ago, a really good friend told me something that really shook me up. I am honored that my friend came to me and told me something they have been struggling with and I believe our friendship will be better than ever now, but what they told me has caused a stir in my heart and my emotions. At first I was okay with what they told me, but as the shock wore off, I felt hurt, betrayed, and disgusted. It was like my wounds were tore open again and the hurt I have had stored deep down inside resurfaced again.

I have known this person for a long time, but I have always thought there was something going on in my friends heart and spirit. I have taken a few guesses as to what it could be, but when asked, my friend always denied it. For years, I have always put it to God knowing that he would take care of it and when and if the time came for my friend to come to me and share their story, I would be there to listen and help this person get through their struggle.

I am thankful that the time finally came. I know what it is like to keep a deep dark secrete and it can really make an impact on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am glad that I can help my friend try to overcome their struggle. I admit it has been hard because I am dealing with my own hurt and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, so I have to process my feelings on my own. I have asked for prayer and of course I have prayed myself and that is helping. I have known this person forever and I have admired my friend and love them, but I’ve also had a slight hatred because of this person’s actions and the hurt they have caused me in the past. I now feel that all of the hurt that I’ve had stored in my heart can finally be healed because the truth has come out and my friend has finally been honest with me.

I know that it will take time to restore our friendship and to fully trust again, but the hard part is over and now it is the time for a fresh start with our friendship. Even though I am going through my own struggles, God must think I am the right person to help my friend though this. So I am taking this task seriously. I am excited about this and I can’t wait to see what lies ahead in our friendship. I just hope that this person continues to be open and honest with me. I think that is my only fear with this whole situation. They have already taken accountability, but will they always be accountable and share with me when and if they fail?

A verse that has really helped me this week is “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28. His purpose for our trials is often times to bring us towards him and to surrender to him. Not only is he reshaping my friend, he is also reshaping me to be better in all areas of my life.

I know all of us face trials in our lives. We all hate trials, but even though we all wish we never had them, I know that I wouldn’t be strong in my faith. I know that I wouldn’t be a strong woman and I know that I wouldn’t be in the position to help my friend go through something challenging. So as weird as this sounds, I am glad to be a part of this challenging time in my friends life and my life. God will reshape both of us to be better than we ever were.

It's Like it Never Happened...

Today’s the day. This morning a big lime green ServePro truck pulled up to our house. In that truck had our things that make our home a home. In other words, we got our stuff back from the restoration company. Before they arrived, we got a list of things that were non-restorable. It was a 556 page document. Most things that couldn’t be restored were food, toiletries, diapers, and other things that can be easily replaced. There were a few things that were destroyed that had meaning, but for the most part, it is just stuff.

I have been struggling though. Lots of anxiety. I can’t really figure out why though. A couple of weeks ago, we drove by our house. When I saw it, I instantly got sick to my stomach. This morning as they were unloading I felt sick with anxiety. The fire must have really impacted me more than I thought. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we had lost everything and the house burned to the ground. I have always had compassion for those who have been in a house fire, but now I am really compassionate and my heart really goes out to people who have been impacted by fire.  

John and I have been able to help with the Fort Worth Professional Firefighters Charities organization. They helped us out and in return, we are helping them by trying to promote their charity. We were interviewed a couple of weeks ago and we are trying to help them with strengthening their charity as well and give them helpful tips on how to serve people in crisis better. I hope that we can continue to help people who are in need and I hope that this charity can become a bigger and better charity because there is definitely a need.

I am thankful for the ServePro people. They are so nice and seem caring. They have been unpacking and putting stuff away all day. I feel weird just sitting back and watching them unpack our stuff, but I guess that is what they are paid to do. Their slogan is “it’s like it never happened,” and it’s true. A lot of our stuff looks brand new and not damaged at all.

Now the next step is going through all of the non-restorable things and putting a price to them. Then hopefully we can get a settlement to replace the things that were lost, like our couches, mattresses, etc. I really can’t wait to sleep on a real bed. After this, I don’t think I want to sleep on an air mattress ever again.

I am really looking forward to this chapter coming to a close. It has been the easiest crisis we have gone through, but it definitely hasn’t been easy. I am looking forward to some normalcy and feel like we can make memories in our new home again. 

The Roof, The Roof is on Fire!

What a crazy week and a half it has been! I thought the crazy rollover accident I witnessed last Monday morning was going to be the most excitement I would see all week. I guess I didn’t have high expectations since later in the day, our house caught on fire.

It was Monday later afternoon and all of us were home earlier than usual. Jonathan had been sick the weekend prior and the hubby was sick again too. I was able to flex my time since later in the week I had to work late. Since my loved ones were sick, I thought I would take the afternoon off and be home. I had been feeding Jonathan and I got hot. So I turned off the gas fireplace. Then a few minutes later I smelled smoke. I don’t mess around when I smell smoke. So I got up searching for the source. I even went outside to see if I could figure out where it was coming from. When I walked back in, I saw a haze towards our ceiling. I said “the attic!” My hubby got up and looked in our attic. He smelled smoke, but no fire. Our wall behind our fireplace was hot too, so as a precaution, we called the fire department.

The fire department rolled up within a couple of minutes later. They looked around the house and then all of a sudden, they sprinted towards the fire truck. As naive as I was, I didn’t really think anything was the matter. Then I looked up at the house and I saw a flame and lots of smoke! I almost freaked out at this point, but I quickly caught myself as I knew that everything was going to be okay and that I had to be strong for my family. Also, I’m in the business of crisis and our family has been through a lot of crisis, so I guess it was second nature and that I knew it was going to be okay. I was holding Jonathan in my arms real tight as John was working with the firemen.

Of course John had to put that our house was on fire on Facebook, so my phone kept blowing up. I only texted a couple of people to pray, but once the Facebook world heard, tons of phone calls and text messages were coming in. I did my best to get back to everyone at the time, but then again, I was so overwhelmed with what was happening, that I just let the phone calls go to voicemail.

While watching, our neighbors offered help and support. Within 2 hours we got offered 5 different places to stay for the night, a box of diapers, a can of formula and dinner. Some people from our church came by too, which was super helpful to have comfort and my dad just happened to be driving through the area, so he was able to me there too (perfect timing).

After the firemen left, we went inside. I was shocked to see the damage. Our living room, master bathroom and master closet was totally destroyed and we have a giant skylight. Our items didn’t get burned up, but everything was damaged due to water, sheetrock and smoke. I was so thankful that before they started spraying, they took off my pictures that was on the mantel and covered some things so they wouldn’t get as damaged. Also, my wedding dress didn’t get ruined either, which was a blessing because it was in our master closet.  

The last week and a half has been a roller coaster. We found out that the fire was NOT our fault and that the gas fireplace had a malfunction because it was not installed correctly. What is also scary and this is what gives me goosbumps, is that there had been a fire smoldering for about two days prior until it really caught on fire. TWO DAYS!! Just think if we were not home sooner than usual, our situation could have been worse.

Another amazing thing that gives me goosbumps is that tremendous amount of support we have gotten from our community. We have been given gift cards, meals, diapers, clothes, formula, etc., by not only friends, but total strangers. I think we would have had a harder time with this if it wasn’t for the encouragement from people. 

We have been doing well for the most part. There has been a couple of days were I wasn’t fine. Last Saturday was the day I mainly broke down. I don’t really like going to the house anymore. It gives me anxiety, but we had to go every day to check on things. Saturday we walked through and the restoration company had most of our stuff moved from the house. I saw all of these boxes that said “non-restorable.” I was shocked at all of the stuff. It seemed like majority of our things. I think that is when I really lost it as I’m realizing that we have to get new things and that we will never be in that house again (I really liked where we lived). Also, I found out that the smell of smoke gives me anxiety. I smelled a simple fire from a fire pit and I about freaked out.

Tonight we get keys to our new home. We can’t wait to get back to normalcy. We found out the other day we really won’t get any of our belongings back until the beginning of January. Before then, we have to go to the warehouse where are stuff is and look at all the things that are non-restorable and decide the things we are going to leave behind or take. For example, I have a bassinet that I used for Jonathan. Well I know for sure that is non-restorable, but that was used when I was a baby. So I don’t want it to be thrown away, so I have the option to keep it. Even though I am not a materialistic person, I still think this will be hard to look at all of the stuff that we will have to leave behind. Even though it is stuff, it’s still our stuff and it all had a purpose. There were things I saw in boxes that I was surprised that it wouldn’t be restored, so I think I will be surprised when we go.  

After reflecting on this whole thing, we continue to be thankful that we were at home and that we caught it at the beginning. We also have restored faith in people. Just when we were unsure, people have surprised us with love and compassion. We also realize that there is a need for items of those who have suffered a traumatic loss. Though we are aware of the resources available, we realize there needs to be more available, so I am sure we will be giving back when a disaster strikes.

Thank you again for your prayers and support. 

Halloween Baby

Pictures property of Denise Lehr

Working Mom

It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve been back to work. The last three weeks have been miserable, although it’s slightly getting better (kind of). I had no idea that leaving my son with someone everyday was going to be so hard. It is nine hours a day that someone else gets to see his smiles, hear his coo’s, feeds him and give him hugs. I would do anything to still be on maternity leave so I can just spend all day with him and take care of my little boy.

Although being at work gives me a physical break, I still find myself unable to function like I should. Not only am I exhausted, but I notice myself looking at baby pictures throughout the day and daydreaming about my little love muffin.

I feel conflicted at what I am supposed to do with my life. I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be the woman who can have a successful career and be a successful mom at the same time. I have pictured myself in a pressed business suit wearing heels with perfect hair and makeup and carrying a brief case in one hand and a baby in the other. But let’s face it, I hate wearing suits and heels, I haven’t done my hair and put on makeup for months and I don’t have a brief case.

I worked hard to get my degrees. I went to school to make a difference in people’s lives, which I do. I just got an email from a victim saying how she is glad she met me as she is grieving her husband’s death. But what she doesn’t know, is that I am in tears because my job is hard and it is hard to hear stories about how their loved one has been killed so suddenly to a senseless crime. When 2 out of 3 individuals are impacted by drunk driving, the next victim could be my son or husband. There are some days where these stories don’t put me to tears, but then there are days like today where I can’t stop crying because a family is grieving the loss of their great husband, dad and grandpa all because a woman who was high on cocaine and Xanax ran a stop sign.

A few weeks ago at church, there was a message about being in your place. For whatever reason, God has me as a working mom and helping victims. This helps and puts me at ease, but it still doesn’t make dropping Jonathan off at daycare any easier. The ideal situation would be working from home or working part time in an office and part time at home. That would be amazing, but right now that is not in the cards. Maybe one day my wish can be a reality.

For those working mom’s out there, how do you deal being gone from your kids while at work? 

Fourth Trimester

The last 10.5 weeks of motherhood has flown by. I have 1.5 more weeks to go and I will have survived the “fourth trimester” as they call it in parenting world. ‘They’ were not kidding about how exhausted you are and the amount of worrying you do at 3am and the tears your cry for no apparent reason. The first month for me was the hardest. Well, maybe the first six weeks. I don’t think I’ve been so exhausted in my life until Jonathan came into the world. I also don’t think I’ve worried as much either. Who would have thought I would worry about the amount of spit up he does or the color and the amount of poop in his diaper. One thing I didn’t realize before I had Jonathan was how protective I would become. I have always been protective of my family, but now that Jonathan is here, my mama bear claws are sharper than ever.

 Being a mom is hard. I have only “given” up once and have only got frustrated at Jonathan once, but let’s face it. When your changing your kids diaper in the middle of the night as your half asleep and your trying to button your kids pajamas as he’s screaming and kicking his legs, it’s just a matter of time before you lose it. Speaking of buttons, who was the “genius” who thought of putting a zillion buttons on pajamas? Let’s just stick with zippers, ok.

Another thing that has been weird getting used to was saying I have a son. I took Jonathan to a doctor’s appointment one time and they said “can I help you?” I looked at them and said “I have an appointment for my, uhhhh, ummmm, ummmm son.” They of course looked at me funny, but that’s when it really hit me that I have a son and I’m a mom. Then the room started spinning and I almost passed out, haha.

When I hold my baby and I look at his cute little fingers and toes and realize how vulnerable he is, I think about the other babies who are abandoned or not treated with love. I can’t fathom how a parent would harm their own children or wouldn’t give them love. It totally breaks my heart knowing that those parents are out there and little babies who can’t help themselves are in harm’s way every day. I hope that Jonathan realizes one day how lucky he is to have a mom and dad who loves him very much and that they would do anything for him.

Being a mom (and a wife) is the best thing ever. I love it. I am surprised at how much I love it. I can’t wait to go home from work every day to be with my family. I am blessed and thankful that I get to have the privilege to say I am a mother.

Psalm 127:3-5  Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Pictures property of Denise Lehr. 

Christmas in August

On August 14th at 4:44 p.m., I got my Christmas present (better late than never). December 2013, my Christmas wish was to find out that we would have a baby in 2014. Sure enough, our prayers came true and on New Years Eve we found out we were pregnant.

This year has flown by quick as preparing for a little one takes a lot of time and energy. We did baby stuff practically every weekend. It was a lot of work, but it was a lot of fun and the baby has the best room in the house.

In April we found out we were having a boy. We decided to name him Jonathan Christian Lehr. 

My pregnancy wasn't too harsh. I didn't have crazy morning sickness or weird cravings and I didn't become a crazy pregnant lady, well for the most part, haha. Health wise everything was good too, until the last few weeks. My third trimester was HARD!! It was hard walking around for long periods of time, heartburn was out of control, I couldn't sleep well, and I had crazy swelling. I even broke a pair of shoes because my feet swelled so bad. 

It was week 35 when something didn't feel right. I was not feeling good and having weird pain in my belly and I was having a lot of Braxton hicks contractions. I called my doctor and the nurse said it was my body just getting ready for the big day. 

A few days later at my doctors appointment I found out I gained 10lbs since my last appointment and I had high blood pressure. I was diagnosed with mild preeclampsia. I was in shock since just less than two week prior, my doctor said everything looked fine and at that point she wasn't worried about preeclampsia. I thought back to the week prior when I first started feeling ill and realized there really was something going on with my body. Then my doctor said bed rest. WHAT?!? Just like that I went from going to work and doing stuff to not being able to do anything at all. This was hard for me to swallow. Then my doctor started looking at the calendar to see when I would be induced. This is really when I zoned out and I felt like a deer in a headlight. It's a good thing John was with me since I didn't hear anything the doctor said after that.

Being on bed rest was hard at first. Not only did it impact me physically, but emotionally too. My mom was able to fly in and help out while John was at work. It was nice to have her with me. I realized that I really needed to rest and that it was ok to ask for help.

At my week 36 doctors appointment more crazy news came. My blood pressure went down, but I was feeling worse and my vision changed and I kept having headaches. So then my doctor said I had to finish out the remainder of my pregnancy in the hospital. I was devastated. I never spent time in the hospital and hospitals give me anxiety. Plus I just wanted to go home and be comfortable on the couch. But John wouldn't let me go home and he took me next door to the hospital. It was a weird feeling knowing that when I leave the hospital, we would be leaving with a baby. 

Getting checked in seemed like it took forever. I was hoping that the doctor would change her mind and let me go home, but then the nurse wheeled me into my room and said "get comfortable." They hooked me up to these leg cuffs that would "massage" my legs so that I wouldn't develop blood clots. I had to wear them 24/7. They got really annoying, especially when your trying to sleep. I had my blood pressure monitored on a constant bases, and I had to have steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop more stronger since I was only 36 weeks and wasn't official full term yet. Those were not the best. The injection didn't hurt as bad as the aftermath (major stinging) and the steroids made my face and torso red and hot. 

I was thankful that I was able to have a loved one stay in the room with me over night. John stayed with me the first night and my mom stayed the second night. I didn't sleep the first night at all. I was still feeling overwhelmed and wanted to be in my own bed. I was secretly planning my escape, haha. 

On the second day, I got my hopes up on going home. My lab work was good and my blood pressure was staying steady. My doctor said she was waiting for one more test result and if that came back fine, I could go home until the following week when I would be induced. 

I was so excited. I wasn't excited about being induced though. I wasn't comfortable with the thought of bringing my baby into this world when he wasn't ready, but I had to keep in mind that the doctor knows what she is doing and I need to have trust. 

The morning of the day I thought I would be going home, I was just about to get up and take a shower and order breakfast, but just then, my nurse came in and said I had to go to a sonogram. I got to see my sweet baby for the last time in the womb. He looked so big and squished. The tech said he looked good, but the reason for my preeclampsia was that I had really low amniotic fluid and I would be getting induced sooner than expected. Again, I felt like a deer in a headlight. It's a good thing I didn't develop a birth plan because plans kept changing and it was a constant roller coaster of emotions. 

I got back to my room. The nurse said I couldn't eat anything! I was already starving, but I later found out I could have  broth, jello and Popsicles, so at least I could have something. I was hooked up to an IV and wheeled into my new room, which is where I would have the baby. 

Knowing that my baby didn't have much fluid left, I felt better with the idea of being induced. However, being one day before I turned 37 weeks, I wasn't even dilated. This required cervical ripening. This was not fun at all. It was really painful and my body wasn't responding to the medicine. My doctor was starting to talk more about a c-section. This is something I didn't want, but I was prepared to do whatever that needed to be done. 

Fortunately, the last of my cervical ripening procedure ended at midnight. Again, my body wasn't really responding. The nurse said she was going to call the doctor to see if they should prep for a c-section. She then came back and said to continue with more of the ripening until the morning. I had a feeling my doctor didn't want to come in the middle of the night to do a c-section, so I am thankful of the time as I am convinced that if it was any other time of the day, I would have had a different outcome.

At this point I was in pain. It was 3am and hadn't slept, despite the nurse giving me a sleeping pill a couple of hours before. So the nurse gave me some pain medicine. It worked within seconds and I was feeling pretty good and was able to sleep for a couple of hours.

7:30am came and was finally induced. I still hadn't really responded to the medicine, but it was time to get the show on the road. At 9:00 my doctor came in and broke my water. That is when things really started picking up!!!! Within an hour I was dilating nicely and I was asking for an epidural. Why suffer in pain when there is that option and I was going to get one anyway. I am so glad I did. Life was good and was able to have relief. It was weird not being able to feel anything from the waist down. I was thinking, what's the catch? You hear nightmare stories of women screaming in the delivery room, but here I was just hanging out and not feeling anything. The nurse kept telling me I wouldn't feel anything, but I was left puzzled and honestly, I'm still puzzled.

A couple of hours later, my doctor checked in on me. She said within an hour, I was ready to push, however she had to leave on vacation and would have to have another doctor deliver my baby.  I was fine with that, but I got so nervous. We had been waiting 9 months for this moment and it was finally here.

 The nurse started prepping for the delivery. In fact, she had John help. We even started doing some pushing and John helped me with that too. This was an interesting, yet totally bonding moment for us. He saw more than what I was wanting him to see and I think he would agree, but I do think it was neat that he helped out and he did good.

It was really time to push and I think the nurse was getting nervous because the doctor was no where to be seen. Just then, the door flew open and the doctor prepped for delivery. Within 5 minutes, the baby was born. I only pushed for 20 minutes and it wasn't even hard. I remember the doctor saying "push and say hello to your baby." I looked down and he just came right out. They handed him to me and I couldn't believe I was holding my baby boy. He was cutier than I thought he would be and I instantly fell in love. 

Then they cleaned him up, weighed him and did what they do when babies are born. The doctor and nurses took care of me too and my doctor said I could finally eat!! I was starving since I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. 

After about an hour, they wheeled me into my room where I would stay for a couple of days. I was looking forward to some rest, but little did I know, I would get checked on every couple of hours and there is a lot of paperwork to do when you bring a child into this world.

Once again, I didn't get any sleep. In fact, I didn't get any sleep for the next two days while being in the hospital, except when there was "snuggle time" and John made sure that everyone left my room and no one would interrupt me so baby and I could sleep. I slept an hour, but it felt good. 

I was thankful for all of the visitors and the best wishes. We had a lot of support from family and friends. 

I was so thankful for the day we got to go home. I hadn't left the second floor of the hospital for a week and it felt weird to be outside. I even got ill in the car as we were going home. It took me a couple of days for things to stop spinning. 

Since I've been home, I've been learning how to be a mom and trying to figure out our new little boy. It has been hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Baby Jonathan has been growing big everyday and I see how smart he is getting, even at only 4 weeks old. We love him very much and are so blessed to have him in our lives. 

Pictures property of Denise Lehr

Baby Burnout

I think my husband might have re-thought about having baby #2 after what I have been putting him through the last few days…or weeks. 

Week 32 and 33 (the last two weeks) of my pregnancy have most definitely been the hardest so far. I have struggled both mentally and physically and I am counting down the weeks until baby Lehr will be here.

Last week was hard. First, John had to go out of town for a business trip. This was his first trip in a year and a half and I had some anxiety because I hated when he traveled every other week when we first moved to Texas. Thankfully it was just overnight and in all honesty, I was so busy myself that it went by quick. Even though it was just overnight, you have to think differently when your 8.5 months pregnant and home alone. So, the dogs got to sleep with me instead of the laundry room and I set up extra security measures just in case (Home Alone style of course).

I also was having a lot of physical pain. My left side of my neck and shoulder has been kinked. It has been hard to move my neck and there was one time I was seeing flashes of light. I also had pain in my left side of my rib, which started a day or two after my neck pain. It hurt to twist, cough, laugh and to take a deep breath. The pain was so nagging, that it was starting to get to me and wear me down. By Thursday of last week I had enough and scheduled a massage on Friday to get some type of relief. The therapist said it’s just pregnancy related and besides doing stretches and massages, there isn’t anything I can do. Thankfully, that did help a little and even though I still have pain, it hasn’t been as bad.

I have noticed that I have been more tired, more like exhausted in this trimester. It really doesn’t matter if I sleep well, I’m still exhausted. I thought I knew what exhaustion felt like, but no, I didn’t know that there could be a whole different level of exhaustion. This makes going to work hard. I have no motivation and I’m a zombie at work (and everywhere else I go). Thankfully, people understand.

One thing that has been frustrating is that I can’t do things with ease like I could before I got pregnant. Like, sitting on the floor and getting up swiftly or going to multiple stores at a time and not feel like I ran a marathon. I’m starting to miss the good old days of having energy and being able to reach things without planning out a strategy.

Mentally, this all gets to you. I’m afraid I will never return back to “normal.” Which I know is not true, but what happens if my body forgets to deflate or I won’t be able to ever pick up things with ease? 

Also, baby talk is all we (family, friends, etc.) talk about. The last 8 months have been nothing but baby and the world has revolved around prepping for Baby Lehr. Now I’m like, okay, what about me? I have more going on than just having a baby and I feel like relationships have changed because of the baby, and I am not sure if they are for the better.

Also, we all know that kids change the relationship between your husband/wife. I think this is another area where you have no idea how it will change until it happens. This scares me because we already have been through so much, its like, great, what other things must we overcome? Then there is the anxiety of hoping that he isn’t traumatized by what he sees during labor and I'm afraid he will never look at my body the same again. How can droopy boobs, a big belly and stretch marks be attractive? 

What happens if I/we put so much effort on being great parents, we forget about being great spouses. We say that we won’t forget about us and to plan date nights, but we haven’t even had the baby yet and it’s already been about the baby. 

John says I worry to much, but I think it's important to be aware of what could happen instead of being naive. I can think of one thing John said when we were engaged that wouldn't be an issue when we got married and in my opinion it's been a major issue for me. So I'm trying to be aware of issues that could come up instead of being clueless.

I guess having baby burnout is common in the third trimester. I don't feel ashamed because I can't wait to have my sweet boy in my arms and I know it's going to be worth every stretch mark and varicose vein. I guess I would question myself if I didn't have these fears.

I know that God has something special in store and he will guide us through the good and the bad like he always has. We prayed for this baby and he delivered (pardon the pun, haha). I can't even begin to think what challenges that we will face as a family, a couple and individually. I just have to keep putting my faith in God and know that it's going to be ok and as long as God is number one in our lives, things will be ok no matter what the situation may be. 

Third Trimester: The Homestretch

Yesterday I hit my 33’rd week of pregnancy. Every week that I have known I have been pregnant (since week 5), I enjoy checking each week off the calendar. I feel like so far my pregnancy has been pretty easy for the most part. My first trimester complications were feeling super hungry and tired all the time. I didn’t have morning sickness and feel super yucky like some women feel. My second trimester was pretty good too. Again, hungry and tired were my main complaints, followed by heart burn, hip pain at night and swelling in the feet, however, I blame a lot of the heat for my swelling because since it got warm in March, that’s when the swelling began. No, pregnancy hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been a horrible experience either.  I consider myself pretty lucky because I know some women haven’t been so lucky.

Well, little did I know about the evils of the third trimester. Now every week I can “check off” is a huge relief! It’s like the day I went from my second to third trimester, my world changed…and it got really uncomfortable. I’ve said this before, but I will say it again, that no pregnancy book will prepare you for pregnancy. It’s kind of like the books sugar coat things. Yes, it will talk about fatigue, contractions, swelling, stretch marks, etc., etc., but you don’t really have a clue until you have experienced pregnancy first hand. The books won’t tell you that you will feel like you just ran a marathon after going to the grocery store or that you might break a shoe because your feet are so swollen. Or, you’re just feeling great and the next minute you’re puking in the toilet (in your third trimester). Or you have to change your underwear at least twice a day because you’re sweating like a pig or because you’re leaking different kinds of fluids. Or you develop weird rashes in weird places, like the armpit. Oh, and pregnancy brain. Can I get anymore brain dead? I feel like the biggest air head of all time. 

The third trimester has been the most challenging for me and I often think, how I am going to get through this, but the one thing I have enjoyed is how the baby moves differently. He really makes my belly move and he responds to me, dad and music. Also, seeing his sweet face a couple of weeks ago on a 3D sonogram helps me imagine what he looks like in there. I now really feel like I have a sweet baby inside instead of a strange unknown thing that’s draining the life out of me.  

I can’t believe in 4-7 weeks I will be holding my sweet baby Jonathan. Since last weekend when we attended our birthing preparedness class, I don’t have much anxiety about the big day. At first when I got to the class, I had nerves, but I left at the end of the day feeling pretty comfortable knowing the process, seeing the labor and delivery rooms and knowing that I will have a good coach (my hubby) by my side assisting me through my breathing helping me with whatever I may need. 

What Not to Say to A Pregnant Woman

Last week, I read a small article about what not to say to a pregnant woman. Naturally, I read it to see if I can relate. Sure enough, I could relate to half of the article. I would have never thought that the smallest things could get so annoying or even offensive. I guess you got to be pregnant in order to completely understand these things that drive us pregnant woman crazy.

One of the most annoying things that really bug me is when someone comments on my size. Yes, I realize I wasn’t the fittest when I got pregnant (I blame my weight gain on marriage, school, work and Texas food), but most of us in general are not in the best shape to begin with, so I don’t know why people have to bring up the weight issue. Anyway, yes, I have noticed towards the end of my second trimester, not only has my belly gotten bigger, but so has my thighs and arms. Yeah, seeing the flab is not thrilling, but what are you gonna do? I can’t do a high intense workout session every night and when your body is constantly changing, it’s hard to keep up. I have come to realize that’s just how it is and honestly, for once I am not ashamed of how I look. How could I be ashamed? I am growing a baby. I love looking at my baby bump and knowing that in almost 2 months I will be holding my baby in my arms. So if I’m okay with my body, why does everyone have to put me down about how I look? I get a lot grabs of my flab, funny jokes about my weight/size and the “don’t worry, you will lose the weight” comments. I wasn’t even worried to begin with. I know it will take time and hard work, but I am not worried. I also know that I will never be how I was…ever. I mean, how could I be? Things are getting stretched to the max and I’m 32 years old and I don’t have the elasticity of a 22 year old. 

The second annoying comment that I am asked is “should I be eating that?” My answer: “probably not, but…” No, I shouldn’t be eating cake, ice cream, candy bars, cheeseburgers, sandwiches and hot dogs. Here’s the thing about pregnancy cravings that only pregnant women who have experienced cravings will understand. When you get a craving in your head, you just have to have it and it has to be exact. I can be craving a chicken quesadilla from a specific restaurant, but if I’m taken to another Mexican restaurant and order a chicken quesadilla, it’s just not the same and the craving has not been met. At the first part of my pregnancy, I would have cravings, but I could go without. Things have changed since I hit my third trimester. Now, it’s not a question as to whether I should have the food, it’s I NEED the food and I will put up a fuss if I don’t get it. I sometimes day dream about the foods I crave too. It doesn’t help that I found out I don’t have gastric diabetes either, so now I feel like I can have the sugary foods too. That is not good I know, but it’s hard not to get the cravings when just a simple commercial about food will put a pregnant women into a food frenzy.

Another annoying comment is “should I be doing that? Again, my answer: “probably not, but…” No, I shouldn’t be lifting and pulling things out to the dumpster at work or moping the floor, but it needs to get done. Which in all honesty, I won’t be doing that again because that almost killed me, but that’s beside the point. But bending over to pick something up that isn’t heavy is something I can do, well kind of, but I get treated like I am disabled and can’t do anything. I still can do stuff, I just got to do it more strategically. There is a perk to this though. Since people know your pregnant and know that we can’t do heavy lifting and such, we get out of doing things. It’s like we can pull the damsel in distress card and get away with it. It’s nice.

Not all comments have been annoying. Some have been a bit humorous too. Like last weekend as I was leaving Walmart, the greeter who was a teen boy smiled and asked if it was a boy or girl. When I said boy, he just smiled and acted like it was the coolest thing. Also, I get a lot more smiles from men of all ages. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have ginormous boobs and they like what they see or they like extra curves, haha.

I am sure there are more comments and funny things to come in the next two months and I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t any after the baby is here when I’m drooping and leaking. I don’t care that my body is being transformed. People can say whatever they want, but they will never be in my shoes and understand the joy I have being a pregnant woman and knowing that soon I will be holding a sweet baby boy. 

Third Trimester Countdown

So today I entered my third trimester. I can’t believe I have 3 months to go until I give birth, yikes. Knowing that babies come when they want and a baby is considered full term at 37 weeks, I’m figuring I should have everything ready to go at the beginning of August just in case baby Jonathan wants to come at 37 weeks, which would be mid-August. So really, I have about 2 months to get everything done. We still have a lot to do!! We are still working on the nursery and up keep around the house. It seems that every weekend we are busting our hump with something at home, like the lawn, cleaning and organizing and painting.

Last week we were able to buy a few things for the nursery, like a crib and a bed set. My owl nursery is coming together and it’s starting to become official. The colors of the nursery is light yellow, brown, blue, green and gray. Now I can focus on decorating and making the room cute and cozy. We are still in need of some items, so if you want to check out our registry, that would be great. We are registered at Target http://www.target.com/c/baby-registry/-/N-564tn  and Walmart http://www.walmart.com/babyregistry

I am amazed at all of the baby gear that is out there. I literally got sick and had to leave when I went to Babies R Us one time because I was so overwhelmed with everything they had. There have been times where I've had to stop and think, what did our parents do? In the 80’s there wasn't a zillion types of bottles, car seat and stroller choices. Then there is a list of recalls and items that was considered safe, but now dangerous to babies.  It’s way too much to take in and we have had to think realistically what would be best for us in the long run.

Not only am I trying take care of the baby and get things he will need, but I also have to think about what I will need postpartum as well. I mean, this is my first time having a baby and I don’t know what to expect, but I know it’s not going to be pretty. I don’t want to wind up finding myself without the necessities that I know I am going to need to be able to recover from delivery. What necessities did you find helpful when you were recovering from labor/delivery?On top of that, I have to develop a birth plan, which I think will be easier once we take our birthing class next month and we get to check out the maternity ward and learn about whatever we need to know about labor and delivery. Then I have to get all of the paperwork for the hospital finalized and well as finding a pediatrician before I go into labor. So many things to do just to have a baby!

This experience sure has been a learning one for sure, but also exciting. It doesn't seem like I am 7 months along. This year has flown by really quickly and I know the next 3 months will be here before I know it. Then we can think about baby #2! HA HA HA.