It's All Mental, Right?!?

For the last couple of months, I’ve felt completely alone. I feel like the only one who gets me in my 9 month old son. Then I think logically and realize he doesn’t know anything about house fires and honesty, but he does know a little bit about anxiety and fear as he has been showing those signs for a few weeks now. So we can connect on that level I guess. 

I’ve always dealt with some type of anxiety. As a kid, it was separation anxiety. As an adult, I still struggle with separation anxiety, but also PTSD from being attacked at age 20, certain relationships cause me to have anxiety and now I’m dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. I also have a lot of anger built up inside. I have a lot of unsettled issues that I can’t seem to get over or I get triggered and I am constantly reminded of the hurt. Also, I have discovered that I have a lot of anger towards our house fire. The last time I drove by the house, I got so angry. I don’t really know why I’m angry, but I am.

So here I am, dealing with old and new anxiety and anger with no one to talk to or help me understand how to handle some of these feelings. I’ve at least pinpointed out the real issues, it’s just dissecting each piece and going from there and coming up with new ways on how to deal because the old ways isn’t working anymore.

My feelings have put strain on some of my relationships. It’s hard to fully respect someone when they haven’t fully respected me or have been honest the whole time I have known them. Then I’m expected to go on and act like it’s no big deal. Or there has been other friends and family who have really hurt me and I just don’t know how to deal with them anymore.

I am a true believer of mental health care, but it seems like not a lot of people are on board with my beliefs. It’s super hard to find a good person to talk to and when you find that person, they are expensive. I’m still trying to find someone, but in my opinion, it shouldn’t be so hard. However, this is America and whenever you need help, you gotta jump through burning hoops to get anywhere.

I find it amazing how life events can affect your brain. Some say, “Oh, just snap out of it” or “it’s all mental.” Obviously they didn’t listen in psychology class because traumatic events can cause damage or imbalances and it takes more than snapping out of something to get back to “normal.”

I’m hoping that I can find some relief or some understanding soon. Have you ever had built up anxiety, fear or anger? How have you dealt with it?

Essential Oils: The New Lehr Craze

In 2008 when we moved to Portland, I began having weird health symptoms, mostly dealing with headaches. I have always dealt with headaches since I was young, but these headaches seemed different. I went to doctor after doctor.  They just kept prescribing medicine that didn’t seem to help me at all. Then one day a friend of mine suggested I go see a naturopath doctor.

I scheduled my first appointment. My doctor’s office was in SE Portland and if you know anything about Portland, you know that SE is the place of diversity and uniqueness aka Keep Portland Weird. I open the door to the clinic and I was taken back by how soothing the waiting room was. It was NOT your typical doctor’s office. There was a big window and outside they had a garden. There were plants everywhere and it just seemed so relaxing.

I met my doctor for the first time. I came with a page full of symptoms ranging from headaches, acne, dry skin and rashes. My doctor spent a whole hour and a half of uninterrupted time listening to me and how I have been feeling!! What western doctor does that?  My doctor suggested a few tests to see what was going on. Long story short, I had found out that I had a food allergy to dairy and sugar. I wasn’t surprised by the sugar since my dad can’t have sugar, but I was blown away by the dairy news. I went home and read about dairy and how it can cause all of the symptoms I was having. Getting off dairy is hard. I am still not 100% off dairy, but I have decreased my dairy usage and my headaches decreased and have felt much better. Who would have thought that a food allergy was the culprit of a lot of my health problems?

I was then sold on natural medicine. I went back to my doctor a few times due to other health problems and instead of prescribing me medicine, it was always a natural remedy of tinctures, salves and supplements…that really worked.

Since 2008, I have been on a quest to live a healthy lifestyle and not give in to medicine and even products with chemicals. It took a bit to convince my husband, but he is starting to catch on. Thankfully since then, we have a lot of friends who have similar interests and are into the natural lifestyle and we have learned tips and tricks that we have incorporated into our home.

For the most part, our house is full of non-toxic cleaning supplies and healthy alternatives. No, we are not perfect and slip a Tylenol here and there or temporally use a popular soap until we get our normal soap in stock, but we have come a long way to make our home healthier.

The most resent thing I have incorporated into our house is essential oils. I have always been interested in essential oils, but haven’t had the money or time to really understand the benefits. I got some oils from my sister for Christmas. I have been hooked ever since. I love lavender. I use it every night before bed. It calms me down and I feel like I sleep better. There have been times where I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t go back to sleep. I then reapply some lavender oil and the next thing I know, I am back to sleep.

The last few months have been super stressful for me. I have been dealing with more headaches. This is where I admit that my diet has not been the most healthiest, which is probably the main culprit of these headaches, but I can’t rule out stress either. I have used peppermint oil and within a half an hour, my headaches were gone. Speaking of stress, I have used the stress away oils and I do feel less anxious and not as stressed.

A couple of weeks ago I had strep throat. I didn’t have any lemons, so I used my lemon oil and added it to a hot cup of water and honey for my throat. It provided immediate relief. Also Thieves helped my throat too. Also, I didn’t want my family to get sick, so I diffused thieves and so far, my family hasn’t gotten sick.

I’ve only been using essential oils for a short amount of time, but I can already see amazing results. I can’t wait to keep using essential oils and experimenting with them to see what other amazing things that can be life changing and make our lives and home healthier.

Please contact me for more information about essential oils. I would be happy to talk with you and get you started with your essential oils experience. 

Why Texas?

Why Texas? This is a question I keep asking myself more and more these days, especially since coming back from Oregon last week.

3 years ago we packed up our stuff and moved from Portland to Texas because John got a job right out of grad school that was too good to pass up. We had no hesitations moving here. It just seemed right. At first I really liked Texas. It was warm, it was sunny and it didn’t rain every day. There was a lot of stuff to do too. There was no reason not to love living in Texas. That feeling quickly went away about a year after we got here.

Reality kicks in every time we go back to Oregon to visit. Reality kicks in when family comes to visit us. I’ve gotten to the point where I dread going back home to visit because I know the entire time I will be heart broken and question why we don’t live near our friends and family.

I had some comfort after our house fire in December when we had no home for a week. Here was the opportunity to go wherever we wanted since we were homeless, but God quickly helped us find a home to lease within a week. We signed a 2 year lease and I felt God really directing our path. I thought to myself, ok, we have at least 2 more years in Texas. I was fine with that, but for some reason, my mind still questions why we live in Texas.

Last week we spent some time in California and Oregon. The moment we landed in Oakland, I got tears in my eyes. I knew right then I was going to have a tough time being home. The next day when we woke up, it was sunny and I saw palm trees. The air was amazing. I could actually breathe!! I was back in a familiar territory. I have a fascination with the bay area. I always have been since I was 14 and have always said that one day I would live there.

Seeing family is always great, but it also breaks my heart. It’s even worse now that we have a son. I don’t think it is fair that my son can’t see his family all the time. I also don’t think we should have to split time with family when we visit. It’s just stupid. It shouldn’t be that way. I don’t like it.

Another bummer about our vacation was that my son got bad allergies. I was hoping that the fresh air would actually help my son with his allergies, but it got worse. He didn’t sleep, he was fussy and I felt like I was a brand new mother all over again. Mid way through our vacation, I couldn’t wait to get back to Texas because he would have his own bed and be in his own environment. This thought made me more confused. Was God trying to tell me something and hint that Texas isn’t that bad? Ugh.

I’m trying to give Texas another chance. In the last 3 years, we have gone from food stamps, to buying all the food we want. We have gone from a small apartment to a 2 story house. Working at a part time job and now working for one of the top non-profits in the country. We have friends and have church. Plus John and I are stronger than ever and we went from a family of 2 to a family of 3. With all of the good things that have come out of living in Texas, how could I not like it here?

Have you been in a similar situation? How have you dealt with it? What brought you peace? 

Hmmm...

So this has been on my mind since the whole SEA fraternity outbreak that happened a couple of weeks ago. I’m not going to lie, I was a little giddy over the fact that they shut down a fraternity. No offense to the Greeks out there, but I can’t stand the Greek life, especially fraternities.

When I lived in Eugene, my apartment was surrounded by Abercrombie, Audi driving preppy boys that for some odd reason loved hanging out on the roof of their frat house listening to David Mathews Band (note: this was in the year 2000-2002).  This was just the daytime, but then there was the weekends, and by weekends, I mean starting Thursday night there was parties ALL THE TIME.

The one piece of advice that I actually listened to when I went straight to college out of high school was never go to a frat party. Why? Because I would get dated rapped. So I stayed away from the frats, even though I learned real quickly that partying was not my thing anyway. I mean really, have you been to a party and see someone wasted? They look like idiots and they put themselves in danger. I don’t want to look pathetic or get hurt.

Now I am not saying that EVERY frat guy is a sexual predator, but I can’t help but think that when I hear about frat guys. Although, at this point, I feel that all guys are sick pervs and it’s hard for me to respect men. Yeah, I know…totally feminist right now, but that’s how I’m seeing things right now because no man has proved me wrong yet.  

Anyway, I have mixed emotions on why the fraternity was shut down. Last time I checked, it was 2015, not 1950. There shouldn't be racism, but there is and there will always be racism. This is one thing I got out of my anthropology class back in the day. We talked about racism and I came to the realization that we will always judge others by the way they look and we will never be treated equal. Now, look at the news today or even just a TV show or song. Do you hear racism or judgment? YES! But life goes on as we know it. So why is this frat situation SO horrible that the University had to shut down a fraternity because they were drunken idiots chatting racist remarks behind closed doors?

Now, let’s get to the part where I am really confused. You have a University that shuts down a fraternity for racist remarks, but what about the girls that get rapped every weekend inside those fraternities? What about the illegal drugs and underage drinking that are used inside the fraternities? I’m guessing that is acceptable even though those are actually crimes.

When will protecting women’s safety be important? Look at the NFL. They are starting to get on the whole domestic violence and sexual assault campaign. Which I am glad, even though I kind of see it as fake because I think the NFL was feeling the pressure and they wanted to get the victim rights advocates off their back. I hope I am wrong because having men stand up for women’s rights is a huge step in trying to change oppression.

My wish is that one day women can feel safe and that violence against women will be taken seriously. Maybe one day an organization will be shut down because of a criminal act towards women. I can’t wait for that day. I will be really giddy then for sure!!!  

This is What I Do...

I find it a bit funny when people ask what I do for a living. I say “I work for MADD.” They have a surprised reaction, then they ask what I do for MADD. I explain that I am a victim specialist and I help victims with whatever they may need, i.e., criminal justice system, emotional support, referral to resources, facilitate support groups, VIPs, etc. Then it seems like they get weirded out and don’t know what to say because it usually gets awkward. Some say “I don’t know how you do it?” I’m like, okay…??? Someday when I’m feeling sassy, I will say “I don’t know how you ____(insert their lame job)” I get where they are coming from, but it kind of gets annoying because it makes me feel like I’m a freak for wanting to help people.

Being a victim advocate is hard and it’s not for everyone. We are a special group of people for sure. Not everyone can call someone who just lost a loved one the night before and have a conversation with them. Or assist someone who has survived a crash, but they struggle on a daily basis because they have flashbacks of their crash or they are disabled due to being injured. Or what is really hard is telling someone the realities of the criminal justice system. Yes, the drunk driver killed someone, but most likely they are only going to get probation because they will agree to a plea bargain.

Working with cases dealing with kids is especially hard for me. I know the realities of life and I know that one minute you’re alive and the next you could be dead. I have always been fearful of death, and this job has definitely magnified my fear of sudden loss. I try to make every moment count and try to be extra safe, especially in the car. Which I wish some other family members did the same.

I often question why I do what I do. I mean, my original major was journalism, which changed to criminal justice and not because I was interested in the topic. I too became a crime victim and wasn’t satisfied with the justice system. So I thought I could help change it or at least help victims who don’t know what to do after they have been involved with a crime. I guess that is what keeps me going. For some reason God sent me in this direction and until I’m called in another direction, it is what I am supposed to do.

I find it interesting the paths that God puts us on. All of these non-profit organizations have been created because someone became a victim of crime and they were not going to sit back and feel sorry for themselves for the rest of their life. They take action. They fight for justice. They take a negative situation and put it towards something positive. That is how MADD got started. That is how many of these other non-profits got started because they too have been a victim. Yesterday I met a woman who started a non-profit with her mom because she was shot and became paralyzed 20 years ago. She now helps disabled victims. If it wasn’t for her, there wouldn’t be a resource for some of my victims who are dealing with disability due to their injuries. There are some pretty fascinating stories and people in my field. You can’t get that working at a bank or McDonalds….

My Lucky Charm

Jonathan's first St. Patrick's Day. Love him more and more everyday.

Friends

Sometimes I wish life wasn’t so hard to figure out. It’s like a constant roller coaster that never stops. Life is just full of up’s and down’s. Lately, I’ve been more down. I don’t know if it’s because the last three months have been stressful due to our house fire and adjusting to the changes or if there is something going on that is bigger and deeper. Or maybe it’s the weather…it’s been pretty gloomy here, which is one of the main reasons why I don’t want to move back to Oregon.

Also, I’ve been questioning a lot of people these days. For example, we have some friends we have known for a long time. We have shared life together, so you would think those friends would share something exciting with us. Did they? No. We had to find out via Facebook…three months later. This doesn’t hurt as much as when I really opened up last year and shared really personal things. I felt good and felt like we bonded and our friendship grew closer, but ever since I took initiative to really open up (which is really hard for me to do), I got burned as this person hasn’t talked to me since. This is why I hate making friends sometimes.

This person has made me so mad and I hate how I have been so wrapped up about getting dissed by my “friend.” Obviously, I don’t need this in my life, but why is it so hard for me to get over it? I think the answer is that I just want a friend and I thought I found someone who could be that person, but obviously I was wrong.

Another thing that has been bothering me about people is that I feel like we (John and I) are constantly being judged. I think we are liked by many, but then I think we are segregated by some due to jealousy. It’s like, who can you trust these days? Apparently, not many.

I do appreciate those who are genuinely our friends. I hope you know who you are. I love how I can come to them and share my strengths, weaknesses and struggles. I have learned a lot from friends and I hope they learn from me (us) as well. Thank you to all of my new and old friends who have been there for me (us) and actually enjoy being friends. I hope that these friendships will grow bigger and better and that we will always accept one another for who we are, even if we may not agree on certain things.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

The Trials We Face

A couple of days ago, a really good friend told me something that really shook me up. I am honored that my friend came to me and told me something they have been struggling with and I believe our friendship will be better than ever now, but what they told me has caused a stir in my heart and my emotions. At first I was okay with what they told me, but as the shock wore off, I felt hurt, betrayed, and disgusted. It was like my wounds were tore open again and the hurt I have had stored deep down inside resurfaced again.

I have known this person for a long time, but I have always thought there was something going on in my friends heart and spirit. I have taken a few guesses as to what it could be, but when asked, my friend always denied it. For years, I have always put it to God knowing that he would take care of it and when and if the time came for my friend to come to me and share their story, I would be there to listen and help this person get through their struggle.

I am thankful that the time finally came. I know what it is like to keep a deep dark secrete and it can really make an impact on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am glad that I can help my friend try to overcome their struggle. I admit it has been hard because I am dealing with my own hurt and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, so I have to process my feelings on my own. I have asked for prayer and of course I have prayed myself and that is helping. I have known this person forever and I have admired my friend and love them, but I’ve also had a slight hatred because of this person’s actions and the hurt they have caused me in the past. I now feel that all of the hurt that I’ve had stored in my heart can finally be healed because the truth has come out and my friend has finally been honest with me.

I know that it will take time to restore our friendship and to fully trust again, but the hard part is over and now it is the time for a fresh start with our friendship. Even though I am going through my own struggles, God must think I am the right person to help my friend though this. So I am taking this task seriously. I am excited about this and I can’t wait to see what lies ahead in our friendship. I just hope that this person continues to be open and honest with me. I think that is my only fear with this whole situation. They have already taken accountability, but will they always be accountable and share with me when and if they fail?

A verse that has really helped me this week is “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28. His purpose for our trials is often times to bring us towards him and to surrender to him. Not only is he reshaping my friend, he is also reshaping me to be better in all areas of my life.

I know all of us face trials in our lives. We all hate trials, but even though we all wish we never had them, I know that I wouldn’t be strong in my faith. I know that I wouldn’t be a strong woman and I know that I wouldn’t be in the position to help my friend go through something challenging. So as weird as this sounds, I am glad to be a part of this challenging time in my friends life and my life. God will reshape both of us to be better than we ever were.

It's Like it Never Happened...

Today’s the day. This morning a big lime green ServePro truck pulled up to our house. In that truck had our things that make our home a home. In other words, we got our stuff back from the restoration company. Before they arrived, we got a list of things that were non-restorable. It was a 556 page document. Most things that couldn’t be restored were food, toiletries, diapers, and other things that can be easily replaced. There were a few things that were destroyed that had meaning, but for the most part, it is just stuff.

I have been struggling though. Lots of anxiety. I can’t really figure out why though. A couple of weeks ago, we drove by our house. When I saw it, I instantly got sick to my stomach. This morning as they were unloading I felt sick with anxiety. The fire must have really impacted me more than I thought. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we had lost everything and the house burned to the ground. I have always had compassion for those who have been in a house fire, but now I am really compassionate and my heart really goes out to people who have been impacted by fire.  

John and I have been able to help with the Fort Worth Professional Firefighters Charities organization. They helped us out and in return, we are helping them by trying to promote their charity. We were interviewed a couple of weeks ago and we are trying to help them with strengthening their charity as well and give them helpful tips on how to serve people in crisis better. I hope that we can continue to help people who are in need and I hope that this charity can become a bigger and better charity because there is definitely a need.

I am thankful for the ServePro people. They are so nice and seem caring. They have been unpacking and putting stuff away all day. I feel weird just sitting back and watching them unpack our stuff, but I guess that is what they are paid to do. Their slogan is “it’s like it never happened,” and it’s true. A lot of our stuff looks brand new and not damaged at all.

Now the next step is going through all of the non-restorable things and putting a price to them. Then hopefully we can get a settlement to replace the things that were lost, like our couches, mattresses, etc. I really can’t wait to sleep on a real bed. After this, I don’t think I want to sleep on an air mattress ever again.

I am really looking forward to this chapter coming to a close. It has been the easiest crisis we have gone through, but it definitely hasn’t been easy. I am looking forward to some normalcy and feel like we can make memories in our new home again.