For the last couple of months, I’ve felt completely alone. I
feel like the only one who gets me in my 9 month old son. Then I think
logically and realize he doesn’t know anything about house fires and honesty,
but he does know a little bit about anxiety and fear as he has been showing
those signs for a few weeks now. So we can connect on that level I guess.
I’ve always dealt with some type of anxiety. As a kid, it
was separation anxiety. As an adult, I still struggle with separation anxiety,
but also PTSD from being attacked at age 20, certain relationships cause me to
have anxiety and now I’m dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. I also
have a lot of anger built up inside. I have a lot of unsettled issues that I
can’t seem to get over or I get triggered and I am constantly reminded of the
hurt. Also, I have discovered that I have a lot of anger towards our house
fire. The last time I drove by the house, I got so angry. I don’t really know
why I’m angry, but I am.
So here I am, dealing with old and new anxiety and anger
with no one to talk to or help me understand how to handle some of these
feelings. I’ve at least pinpointed out the real issues, it’s just dissecting each
piece and going from there and coming up with new ways on how to deal because
the old ways isn’t working anymore.
My feelings have put strain on some of my relationships. It’s
hard to fully respect someone when they haven’t fully respected me or have been
honest the whole time I have known them. Then I’m expected to go on and act
like it’s no big deal. Or there has been other friends and family who have
really hurt me and I just don’t know how to deal with them anymore.
I am a true believer of mental health care, but it seems
like not a lot of people are on board with my beliefs. It’s super hard to find
a good person to talk to and when you find that person, they are expensive. I’m
still trying to find someone, but in my opinion, it shouldn’t be so hard. However,
this is America and whenever you need help, you gotta jump through burning
hoops to get anywhere.
I find it amazing how life events can affect your brain. Some
say, “Oh, just snap out of it” or “it’s all mental.” Obviously they didn’t
listen in psychology class because traumatic events can cause damage or imbalances
and it takes more than snapping out of something to get back to “normal.”
I’m hoping that I can find some relief or some understanding
soon. Have you ever had built up anxiety, fear or anger? How have you dealt
with it?
