Confusion and Heartache

The last two weeks of my life has been tough. Everything was going great...until my husband, who works 60+ hours a week this summer, plus working on a few on-going school projects had a break down. At least that's what I call it.

For the past 2 weeks I have been living with an imposter. This man I share a life with looks like the man I love, but isn't acting like the man I know. He is always gone, and when I do see him, he wants to be left alone. He rather talk to other people, like his co-works than the people that love him the most. This behavior creates much heartache and confusion for me.

Why is this happening?

The only thing that I think is causing this "break down," is that my husband doesn't understand how big his plate is. He takes on way too much stuff, thus creating stress and tension on him and his family. I wish that he didn't feel like he had to take on everything that comes his way. Doesn't he know that he is not only causing problems for himself, (i.e. lack of sleep, headaches, muscle tension, etc), but causing problems with the relationship of his wife (me) and other family members? 

I understand to a point why he takes on a lot. He is suppose to be the leader of this household, so he has to work to support our little family. I get that. I also understand when you are offered great learning opportunities, you take all you can get to build a resume. But shouldn't there be a boundary of how much you take on?

I remember the last two terms of my undergrad. I was pulling 18 credits each term and was literally running from work to three back to back classes every other day. I had to do this because if I didn't, I couldn't graduate that spring. I learned my lesson. I did eventually have a break down. I promised myself I would never put myself into a situation like that again. It was very stressful and hard on my body. I am more mindful of what I take on in my life so I don't have to feel that way again.

I wish my husband could learn from his break-downs. Maybe I will get lucky and he will learn from this one? I just wish that he wouldn't take on so much and that he will be able to be more balanced in life. He doesn't get a day off. Everyone should have at least one day off a week to rest and relax! I am worried about my husband's health. He doesn't sleep, has stress levels off the chart, headaches and neck tension. This guy is only 27!

Instead of my man figuring things out on his own, I wish he would seek positive counsel, like a pastor that could give him advice and guidance. I think that would help. I don't know where or who he is going/seeking for help or how he is processing things, but it kind of scares me because I get the impression that it's not positive or he is getting the appropriate guidance he needs. I am afraid that when this is "over," he will be changed and it won't be for the better. I pray that he will be a better person when this is done.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I have prayed and continue to pray and had counsel. I just want things to be back to normal. I don't know how many nights I can spend home alone and wonder when he will be home (since he doesn't communicate), or constantly getting ignored and feeling like I am the worst person in his eyes. He says "it's not not me....just him," but he makes me feel like I'm his enemy. He wants my support and help, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the biggest joke and not getting treated well. I bend over backwards for him to help him, but I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Instead, I just get grumpt at. Therefore, I have been spending my recent days crying my eyes out.

I can't wait until the day we can cuddle on the couch, go on a date night, have dinner together and just have peace between us. Why do I feel like I will have to wait a while for this? I'm so sad. I shouldn't have to be going through this pain. My heart is broken and not sure if it will ever be repaired.

The Beach

The beach is one of my favorite places to be. I love how the sands feels in between my toes, the sun shinning on my face, the sea shells you find, the ocean waves crashing and looking out in the distance and knowing that the ocean connects with a foreign land. The beach is a relaxing place for me. I love all of the sounds it has to offer. I am amazed how beaches are different in all locations. I have been to beaches in Hawaii, Florida, Bahamas, Mexico, California, and Washington and each one has been unique in their own way.

Last weekend we were in Newport, Oregon. The weather was great. It was sunny and warm. It wasn't windy or raining (like usual). My sister found 4 full sand dollars, which is rare (at least for us). The surf was perfect. If I had a wet suit and a surfboard, I would have been out in the ocean having fun. Instead, I watched the other surfers hang ten.

My dogs also love the beach. Riley and Katie ran, played and of course they went into the water. Riley did most of the swimming. He followed me out into the water. I was only about knee to quad deep (as the currents were a little strong and didn't feel like making the news of getting swept out to sea). It was so cute to see him jump over the waves and one time he rode in with one.

I am thankful for the beach/ocean and what it has to offer. I can't wait until the next time I get to walk barefoot on the sand and explore what the waves washed up to shore.

Pictures taken by (and are property of) Erin Wolff