This past month I have cried more times than in my whole entire life...well, at least it seems that way. The events in my life that have taken place in the last few weeks have been super hard for me. Only a very few people know what has been going on, and I thank those people from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, counseling me and just being a listening ear.
I have not enjoyed what I have had to go through in the last month, and there was a few times where I wasn't sure if I could get through it and I even wanted to walk away from the situation. I know that there is a reason why I am going through this hard time. God had this planned out and there is something to be learned here. I think that I may be at the tail end of this super hard trial (at least I hope so) and I can see now what benefits this trial will bring.
I've spent a lot of alone time (not my choice) and during this time of being alone, I have been able to reflect on who I am, who I want to be and changes I can apply to be the person I ultimately want to become. I have reflected on my relationships with friends and family, my marriage and the ultimate one, my relationship with God.
I actually feel like I have grown as a person in the last month. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. I guess this trial was something I needed...even though I wish it was a bit less harsh. :)
I still have my up's and down's and still feel uncertain at times, but I hope that once things start settling down in my life, I hope that things will be better than ever and that I can continue to grow into that woman I want to be.
A song that has really hit home with me during this time is "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. It's been kind of motivating to me and comforts me in a musical way.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Security
As my prison journey starts in a couple of weeks, I have decided to make my 2 blogs (this one and my prison blog) private and only selected people can view the blogs. Why? Because the inmates I will be working with have access to the internet and they are curious of who I am (as well as the other facilitators) and I don't want them to find my blogs (which I have Googled and have found myself easily). I want to keep things private as much as possible, especially when it could impact my safety and security. If you would like to be one of the ones who would like to read my blogs, give me your email address and I will add you to my list of readers. :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Confusion and Heartache
The last two weeks of my life has been tough. Everything was going great...until my husband, who works 60+ hours a week this summer, plus working on a few on-going school projects had a break down. At least that's what I call it.
For the past 2 weeks I have been living with an imposter. This man I share a life with looks like the man I love, but isn't acting like the man I know. He is always gone, and when I do see him, he wants to be left alone. He rather talk to other people, like his co-works than the people that love him the most. This behavior creates much heartache and confusion for me.
Why is this happening?
The only thing that I think is causing this "break down," is that my husband doesn't understand how big his plate is. He takes on way too much stuff, thus creating stress and tension on him and his family. I wish that he didn't feel like he had to take on everything that comes his way. Doesn't he know that he is not only causing problems for himself, (i.e. lack of sleep, headaches, muscle tension, etc), but causing problems with the relationship of his wife (me) and other family members?
I understand to a point why he takes on a lot. He is suppose to be the leader of this household, so he has to work to support our little family. I get that. I also understand when you are offered great learning opportunities, you take all you can get to build a resume. But shouldn't there be a boundary of how much you take on?
I remember the last two terms of my undergrad. I was pulling 18 credits each term and was literally running from work to three back to back classes every other day. I had to do this because if I didn't, I couldn't graduate that spring. I learned my lesson. I did eventually have a break down. I promised myself I would never put myself into a situation like that again. It was very stressful and hard on my body. I am more mindful of what I take on in my life so I don't have to feel that way again.
I wish my husband could learn from his break-downs. Maybe I will get lucky and he will learn from this one? I just wish that he wouldn't take on so much and that he will be able to be more balanced in life. He doesn't get a day off. Everyone should have at least one day off a week to rest and relax! I am worried about my husband's health. He doesn't sleep, has stress levels off the chart, headaches and neck tension. This guy is only 27!
Instead of my man figuring things out on his own, I wish he would seek positive counsel, like a pastor that could give him advice and guidance. I think that would help. I don't know where or who he is going/seeking for help or how he is processing things, but it kind of scares me because I get the impression that it's not positive or he is getting the appropriate guidance he needs. I am afraid that when this is "over," he will be changed and it won't be for the better. I pray that he will be a better person when this is done.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I have prayed and continue to pray and had counsel. I just want things to be back to normal. I don't know how many nights I can spend home alone and wonder when he will be home (since he doesn't communicate), or constantly getting ignored and feeling like I am the worst person in his eyes. He says "it's not not me....just him," but he makes me feel like I'm his enemy. He wants my support and help, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the biggest joke and not getting treated well. I bend over backwards for him to help him, but I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Instead, I just get grumpt at. Therefore, I have been spending my recent days crying my eyes out.
I can't wait until the day we can cuddle on the couch, go on a date night, have dinner together and just have peace between us. Why do I feel like I will have to wait a while for this? I'm so sad. I shouldn't have to be going through this pain. My heart is broken and not sure if it will ever be repaired.
For the past 2 weeks I have been living with an imposter. This man I share a life with looks like the man I love, but isn't acting like the man I know. He is always gone, and when I do see him, he wants to be left alone. He rather talk to other people, like his co-works than the people that love him the most. This behavior creates much heartache and confusion for me.
Why is this happening?
The only thing that I think is causing this "break down," is that my husband doesn't understand how big his plate is. He takes on way too much stuff, thus creating stress and tension on him and his family. I wish that he didn't feel like he had to take on everything that comes his way. Doesn't he know that he is not only causing problems for himself, (i.e. lack of sleep, headaches, muscle tension, etc), but causing problems with the relationship of his wife (me) and other family members?
I understand to a point why he takes on a lot. He is suppose to be the leader of this household, so he has to work to support our little family. I get that. I also understand when you are offered great learning opportunities, you take all you can get to build a resume. But shouldn't there be a boundary of how much you take on?
I remember the last two terms of my undergrad. I was pulling 18 credits each term and was literally running from work to three back to back classes every other day. I had to do this because if I didn't, I couldn't graduate that spring. I learned my lesson. I did eventually have a break down. I promised myself I would never put myself into a situation like that again. It was very stressful and hard on my body. I am more mindful of what I take on in my life so I don't have to feel that way again.
I wish my husband could learn from his break-downs. Maybe I will get lucky and he will learn from this one? I just wish that he wouldn't take on so much and that he will be able to be more balanced in life. He doesn't get a day off. Everyone should have at least one day off a week to rest and relax! I am worried about my husband's health. He doesn't sleep, has stress levels off the chart, headaches and neck tension. This guy is only 27!
Instead of my man figuring things out on his own, I wish he would seek positive counsel, like a pastor that could give him advice and guidance. I think that would help. I don't know where or who he is going/seeking for help or how he is processing things, but it kind of scares me because I get the impression that it's not positive or he is getting the appropriate guidance he needs. I am afraid that when this is "over," he will be changed and it won't be for the better. I pray that he will be a better person when this is done.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I have prayed and continue to pray and had counsel. I just want things to be back to normal. I don't know how many nights I can spend home alone and wonder when he will be home (since he doesn't communicate), or constantly getting ignored and feeling like I am the worst person in his eyes. He says "it's not not me....just him," but he makes me feel like I'm his enemy. He wants my support and help, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the biggest joke and not getting treated well. I bend over backwards for him to help him, but I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Instead, I just get grumpt at. Therefore, I have been spending my recent days crying my eyes out.
I can't wait until the day we can cuddle on the couch, go on a date night, have dinner together and just have peace between us. Why do I feel like I will have to wait a while for this? I'm so sad. I shouldn't have to be going through this pain. My heart is broken and not sure if it will ever be repaired.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Beach
Last weekend we were in Newport, Oregon. The weather was great. It was sunny and warm. It wasn't windy or raining (like usual). My sister found 4 full sand dollars, which is rare (at least for us). The surf was perfect. If I had a wet suit and a surfboard, I would have been out in the ocean having fun. Instead, I watched the other surfers hang ten.
My dogs also love the beach. Riley and Katie ran, played and of course they went into the water. Riley did most of the swimming. He followed me out into the water. I was only about knee to quad deep (as the currents were a little strong and didn't feel like making the news of getting swept out to sea). It was so cute to see him jump over the waves and one time he rode in with one.
I am thankful for the beach/ocean and what it has to offer. I can't wait until the next time I get to walk barefoot on the sand and explore what the waves washed up to shore.
Pictures taken by (and are property of) Erin Wolff
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A Day in the Life of The Lehr's
A common word I hear when I tell someone about the day in the life of The Lehr's, people say "Wow." I think it's weird. What's so "wow" about it? In my mind I think it's normal to live a busy life, but the more and more I think about it, maybe it's not normal. But what is normal anyway, right? People today are busy. We all are racing against time, but I do admit, I feel like we are running a marathon and it's just a matter of time we collapse from our hectic lives.
A typical day for us:
5:30 a.m. the first alarm goes off (like this) "ding, ding..Good Morning, Good Morning...BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA...it's going to be a beautiful day." It is the most ANNOYING alarm of all time. I hate that alarm, which is why John chose it (so nice of him, huh?). Usually he get's up right away (on most days). He is a morning person. I am NOT! It usually takes me about 45 minutes to get out of bed, and most of the time John literally has to get me out of bed.
Depending on the day, we are out the door between 7:00-7:15 a.m. Because we share a car, times and who get's dropped off first varies, but usually I am the one dropping John off to physical therapy, a doctors appointment, school or work. Then I'm off to work. I'm suppose to be at work by 8, but lots of times I'm late. Mornings are usually rushed, especially when there is bad traffic. We have gotten to the point where if traffic is bad, I drop John off near my work so he can catch the street car and go to where he is going that day. That has helped and haven't been as late to work.
As most of you know, I'm a preschool cook and a substitute teacher. Being a cook for 50 little kids is hard work. I'm on my feet the whole time and 3 of the 5 classes are upstairs, so over the last three years of being the cook, I have learned how to balance a heavy tray of food very nicely. In fact, I've only dropped a tray 2 times, and that was because I wasn't paying attention because I was talking to someone. Thankfully, it was just milk! Other duties are ordering food, putting the food away, organizing the menu, doing dishes and problem solve when a certain item of food didn't get purchased or something else isn't going to work out. Also, assisting other teachers when they need something from the kitchen because they are doing a project for their kids. I'm also on the safety committee, so I do inspections at my site and attend monthly meetings.
On a "normal" day, I am finished at 1:00 p.m., but often times I'm asked to substitute in the afternoon. When I do get off at the normal time, I usually have to rush to something. Sometimes it's to a doctors appointment or running errands. Other times it's just going home and taking care of the dogs and doing laundry, dishes, preparing dinner, homework, etc. This is until I have to go pick up John around 4:30 p.m. (or whenever he needs to be picked up that day). Then it's off to something else. Most of the time John needs to be taken to Taekwondo. Sometimes he needs to go to a meeting or has a class he needs to attend. I often feel like a human taxi driver. I do a lot of driving around. There are times where I need to be somewhere in the evening, so often times we just switch. It's a a transfer of car keys, an exchange of a hug and a kiss and saying "Hi" and "Bye" in the same breath.
We usually don't get home until 9:00 to 10:00 p.m. One would think that we cam relax. Ummm, I wish! Usually it's eating dinner. Yes, I know eating past 7 is bad...I'm trying to figure out how to eat earlier in the evening. After dinner, it's homework or whatever we have to finish before we go to bed. We try to schedule "our" time before bed, but that doesn't always work out. We get to bed between midnight and 1:00a.m. Then our busy day starts again 4.5 hours later.
As you can probably tell, we are very busy people. John in my opinion is busier. He is ALWAYS on the go. Never able to stop and relax. I could be just as busy, but last year when I was literally running to class, work and other activities, I had a nervous breakdown and vowed that I wouldn't allow myself to be THAT busy again.
We don't like being this busy at times, but for now, that is how it is. We have to work. We have to go to school. And of course we have to make time for us. Which is easier on the weekends than weekdays. It is hard juggling everything, but somehow we do it.
The one thing that really irritates me is how other people don't seem to be more understanding of John and I. We are sorry that we can't respond to your email or text message sooner than you want or that we didn't provide a long enough response. We are sorry we may not be able to call you when you want. We are sorry that we can't go to a party or to an activity that we are invited to. It's not that we don't care, it's just hard to get everything done in a day.
I just wish people wouldn't get their panties in a bunch because we are not as sociable. We can't please everyone. I'm getting so tired of people getting upset at us because we don't meet peoples expectations.
Why can't people let us be a husband and wife and let us build OUR future? Seriously?!? Conflict and drama is something that I don't want is this family, but it seems as if we never make anyone happy. People should be more understanding. It's not like we party every night, do drugs, or spend money on senseless things. We work hard to be the best employee, the best student, the best spouse, the best family member, the best friend and the best volunteer. So please people, give us a break!
A typical day for us:
5:30 a.m. the first alarm goes off (like this) "ding, ding..Good Morning, Good Morning...BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA...it's going to be a beautiful day." It is the most ANNOYING alarm of all time. I hate that alarm, which is why John chose it (so nice of him, huh?). Usually he get's up right away (on most days). He is a morning person. I am NOT! It usually takes me about 45 minutes to get out of bed, and most of the time John literally has to get me out of bed.
Depending on the day, we are out the door between 7:00-7:15 a.m. Because we share a car, times and who get's dropped off first varies, but usually I am the one dropping John off to physical therapy, a doctors appointment, school or work. Then I'm off to work. I'm suppose to be at work by 8, but lots of times I'm late. Mornings are usually rushed, especially when there is bad traffic. We have gotten to the point where if traffic is bad, I drop John off near my work so he can catch the street car and go to where he is going that day. That has helped and haven't been as late to work.
As most of you know, I'm a preschool cook and a substitute teacher. Being a cook for 50 little kids is hard work. I'm on my feet the whole time and 3 of the 5 classes are upstairs, so over the last three years of being the cook, I have learned how to balance a heavy tray of food very nicely. In fact, I've only dropped a tray 2 times, and that was because I wasn't paying attention because I was talking to someone. Thankfully, it was just milk! Other duties are ordering food, putting the food away, organizing the menu, doing dishes and problem solve when a certain item of food didn't get purchased or something else isn't going to work out. Also, assisting other teachers when they need something from the kitchen because they are doing a project for their kids. I'm also on the safety committee, so I do inspections at my site and attend monthly meetings.
On a "normal" day, I am finished at 1:00 p.m., but often times I'm asked to substitute in the afternoon. When I do get off at the normal time, I usually have to rush to something. Sometimes it's to a doctors appointment or running errands. Other times it's just going home and taking care of the dogs and doing laundry, dishes, preparing dinner, homework, etc. This is until I have to go pick up John around 4:30 p.m. (or whenever he needs to be picked up that day). Then it's off to something else. Most of the time John needs to be taken to Taekwondo. Sometimes he needs to go to a meeting or has a class he needs to attend. I often feel like a human taxi driver. I do a lot of driving around. There are times where I need to be somewhere in the evening, so often times we just switch. It's a a transfer of car keys, an exchange of a hug and a kiss and saying "Hi" and "Bye" in the same breath.
We usually don't get home until 9:00 to 10:00 p.m. One would think that we cam relax. Ummm, I wish! Usually it's eating dinner. Yes, I know eating past 7 is bad...I'm trying to figure out how to eat earlier in the evening. After dinner, it's homework or whatever we have to finish before we go to bed. We try to schedule "our" time before bed, but that doesn't always work out. We get to bed between midnight and 1:00a.m. Then our busy day starts again 4.5 hours later.
As you can probably tell, we are very busy people. John in my opinion is busier. He is ALWAYS on the go. Never able to stop and relax. I could be just as busy, but last year when I was literally running to class, work and other activities, I had a nervous breakdown and vowed that I wouldn't allow myself to be THAT busy again.
We don't like being this busy at times, but for now, that is how it is. We have to work. We have to go to school. And of course we have to make time for us. Which is easier on the weekends than weekdays. It is hard juggling everything, but somehow we do it.
The one thing that really irritates me is how other people don't seem to be more understanding of John and I. We are sorry that we can't respond to your email or text message sooner than you want or that we didn't provide a long enough response. We are sorry we may not be able to call you when you want. We are sorry that we can't go to a party or to an activity that we are invited to. It's not that we don't care, it's just hard to get everything done in a day.
I just wish people wouldn't get their panties in a bunch because we are not as sociable. We can't please everyone. I'm getting so tired of people getting upset at us because we don't meet peoples expectations.
Why can't people let us be a husband and wife and let us build OUR future? Seriously?!? Conflict and drama is something that I don't want is this family, but it seems as if we never make anyone happy. People should be more understanding. It's not like we party every night, do drugs, or spend money on senseless things. We work hard to be the best employee, the best student, the best spouse, the best family member, the best friend and the best volunteer. So please people, give us a break!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Weekend with Mom
Last weekend was so much fun. My Mom came to visit as I wasn't really looking forward to another weekend hanging out at home by myself. I was in need of some mother-daughter time, especially since I don't get to see her since she (and my dad and sister) live 5 hours away. I also got to see my Dad for a couple of hours as well, so that made the weekend even better.
One would ask, "what did you and your mom do?" Well, we didn't do much...just went to the mall 3 times!!! LOL. It was awesome. It was so fun looking through all the stores and trying on clothes and just being a girl. Something that's hard to do when it's just the hubby and I don't really have any other friends to be "girls" with.
It was also nice having someone to talk to. Yes, John listens, but he's different. He's not Mom. It was really hard when it was time for her to go home. I really didn't want her to leave. I miss my family so much. I miss mom-daughter time, sister-sister time and dad-daughter time. I guess there is a reason why we live apart, but I just wish that it was easier to get together and have more fun.
One would ask, "what did you and your mom do?" Well, we didn't do much...just went to the mall 3 times!!! LOL. It was awesome. It was so fun looking through all the stores and trying on clothes and just being a girl. Something that's hard to do when it's just the hubby and I don't really have any other friends to be "girls" with.
It was also nice having someone to talk to. Yes, John listens, but he's different. He's not Mom. It was really hard when it was time for her to go home. I really didn't want her to leave. I miss my family so much. I miss mom-daughter time, sister-sister time and dad-daughter time. I guess there is a reason why we live apart, but I just wish that it was easier to get together and have more fun.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Having Faith Encourages Me
I'm sitting here at my computer feeling a little discouraged, but also encouraged at the same time. This summer hasn't been all great. For starters, we may be in summer months, but it doesn't feel like summer at all. I crave just warm, sunny days for weeks and weeks. Instead, it's cloudy, rainy, sunny and sometimes all at the same time. This happened last summer as well, so I am in need of some warm, sunny weather to soak my skin into.
Another bummer thing is that John and I's schedules are way different than usual. John works on the weekends and when he has the day "off," I'm at work. Having quality time has been tough, but I know that this "schedule" won't be for too much longer...I hope.
I can sit here and complain how my summer isn't going like I want it too, but no one wants to hear someone complain. I personally can't handle very much complaining from people, especially those who complain about everything and are not grateful for what they have or things that are petty and selfish.
I know that these rough times that I have mentioned and haven't mentioned on here is temporary and God is in control. He works in mysterious ways. I find it funny that I have been winning concert tickets. John and I love going to concerts and we can't afford to go to a lot this summer. However, I have been blessed with some free concert tickets and been able to have some fun with not only my husband, but a friend as well. I've also been provided other opportunities, such as babysit my friend's (who is a massage therapist) daughter and instead of getting paid, I get a massage. I'm down with that, especially since I have been needing one real bad. Also, I noticed the other day I was getting low on garlic and other pantry items. I said, "I better put that on the list." Well, today a co-worker who is moving gave me some garlic and other pantry items that I have been needing. As funny as all of that may sound, I am confident that is God working in little ways, but make a huge impact in my life.
I am also excited that I am starting to connect with some Godly women. I have been praying that God directs me to some Christian women that I can get to know. Living in Portland is hard, especially when your a christian. I am very different from the majority and I find that I'm a minority. I only want to be surrounded by Godly people and it's hard to find those around here. I've made some contacts with old family friends as well as my pastors wife, who seems to be a wonderful lady. I suspect that I will be getting together with them soon once we figure out our schedules. I can't wait. I know that God is directing me to the right people, it's just that sometime it takes time and patience.
No one knows what the future holds for them. Some may worry, but as a Christian, I don't have to worry. I have faith that God will direct me...and my husband in the right direction. I know God will take care of us and I look forward to what is provided. Even when times are tough, I know that there is a reason for this challenge and if you have faith, you will succeed.
Another bummer thing is that John and I's schedules are way different than usual. John works on the weekends and when he has the day "off," I'm at work. Having quality time has been tough, but I know that this "schedule" won't be for too much longer...I hope.
I can sit here and complain how my summer isn't going like I want it too, but no one wants to hear someone complain. I personally can't handle very much complaining from people, especially those who complain about everything and are not grateful for what they have or things that are petty and selfish.
I know that these rough times that I have mentioned and haven't mentioned on here is temporary and God is in control. He works in mysterious ways. I find it funny that I have been winning concert tickets. John and I love going to concerts and we can't afford to go to a lot this summer. However, I have been blessed with some free concert tickets and been able to have some fun with not only my husband, but a friend as well. I've also been provided other opportunities, such as babysit my friend's (who is a massage therapist) daughter and instead of getting paid, I get a massage. I'm down with that, especially since I have been needing one real bad. Also, I noticed the other day I was getting low on garlic and other pantry items. I said, "I better put that on the list." Well, today a co-worker who is moving gave me some garlic and other pantry items that I have been needing. As funny as all of that may sound, I am confident that is God working in little ways, but make a huge impact in my life.
I am also excited that I am starting to connect with some Godly women. I have been praying that God directs me to some Christian women that I can get to know. Living in Portland is hard, especially when your a christian. I am very different from the majority and I find that I'm a minority. I only want to be surrounded by Godly people and it's hard to find those around here. I've made some contacts with old family friends as well as my pastors wife, who seems to be a wonderful lady. I suspect that I will be getting together with them soon once we figure out our schedules. I can't wait. I know that God is directing me to the right people, it's just that sometime it takes time and patience.
No one knows what the future holds for them. Some may worry, but as a Christian, I don't have to worry. I have faith that God will direct me...and my husband in the right direction. I know God will take care of us and I look forward to what is provided. Even when times are tough, I know that there is a reason for this challenge and if you have faith, you will succeed.
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