My Lucky Charm

Jonathan's first St. Patrick's Day. Love him more and more everyday.

Friends

Sometimes I wish life wasn’t so hard to figure out. It’s like a constant roller coaster that never stops. Life is just full of up’s and down’s. Lately, I’ve been more down. I don’t know if it’s because the last three months have been stressful due to our house fire and adjusting to the changes or if there is something going on that is bigger and deeper. Or maybe it’s the weather…it’s been pretty gloomy here, which is one of the main reasons why I don’t want to move back to Oregon.

Also, I’ve been questioning a lot of people these days. For example, we have some friends we have known for a long time. We have shared life together, so you would think those friends would share something exciting with us. Did they? No. We had to find out via Facebook…three months later. This doesn’t hurt as much as when I really opened up last year and shared really personal things. I felt good and felt like we bonded and our friendship grew closer, but ever since I took initiative to really open up (which is really hard for me to do), I got burned as this person hasn’t talked to me since. This is why I hate making friends sometimes.

This person has made me so mad and I hate how I have been so wrapped up about getting dissed by my “friend.” Obviously, I don’t need this in my life, but why is it so hard for me to get over it? I think the answer is that I just want a friend and I thought I found someone who could be that person, but obviously I was wrong.

Another thing that has been bothering me about people is that I feel like we (John and I) are constantly being judged. I think we are liked by many, but then I think we are segregated by some due to jealousy. It’s like, who can you trust these days? Apparently, not many.

I do appreciate those who are genuinely our friends. I hope you know who you are. I love how I can come to them and share my strengths, weaknesses and struggles. I have learned a lot from friends and I hope they learn from me (us) as well. Thank you to all of my new and old friends who have been there for me (us) and actually enjoy being friends. I hope that these friendships will grow bigger and better and that we will always accept one another for who we are, even if we may not agree on certain things.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

The Trials We Face

A couple of days ago, a really good friend told me something that really shook me up. I am honored that my friend came to me and told me something they have been struggling with and I believe our friendship will be better than ever now, but what they told me has caused a stir in my heart and my emotions. At first I was okay with what they told me, but as the shock wore off, I felt hurt, betrayed, and disgusted. It was like my wounds were tore open again and the hurt I have had stored deep down inside resurfaced again.

I have known this person for a long time, but I have always thought there was something going on in my friends heart and spirit. I have taken a few guesses as to what it could be, but when asked, my friend always denied it. For years, I have always put it to God knowing that he would take care of it and when and if the time came for my friend to come to me and share their story, I would be there to listen and help this person get through their struggle.

I am thankful that the time finally came. I know what it is like to keep a deep dark secrete and it can really make an impact on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am glad that I can help my friend try to overcome their struggle. I admit it has been hard because I am dealing with my own hurt and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, so I have to process my feelings on my own. I have asked for prayer and of course I have prayed myself and that is helping. I have known this person forever and I have admired my friend and love them, but I’ve also had a slight hatred because of this person’s actions and the hurt they have caused me in the past. I now feel that all of the hurt that I’ve had stored in my heart can finally be healed because the truth has come out and my friend has finally been honest with me.

I know that it will take time to restore our friendship and to fully trust again, but the hard part is over and now it is the time for a fresh start with our friendship. Even though I am going through my own struggles, God must think I am the right person to help my friend though this. So I am taking this task seriously. I am excited about this and I can’t wait to see what lies ahead in our friendship. I just hope that this person continues to be open and honest with me. I think that is my only fear with this whole situation. They have already taken accountability, but will they always be accountable and share with me when and if they fail?

A verse that has really helped me this week is “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28. His purpose for our trials is often times to bring us towards him and to surrender to him. Not only is he reshaping my friend, he is also reshaping me to be better in all areas of my life.

I know all of us face trials in our lives. We all hate trials, but even though we all wish we never had them, I know that I wouldn’t be strong in my faith. I know that I wouldn’t be a strong woman and I know that I wouldn’t be in the position to help my friend go through something challenging. So as weird as this sounds, I am glad to be a part of this challenging time in my friends life and my life. God will reshape both of us to be better than we ever were.

It's Like it Never Happened...

Today’s the day. This morning a big lime green ServePro truck pulled up to our house. In that truck had our things that make our home a home. In other words, we got our stuff back from the restoration company. Before they arrived, we got a list of things that were non-restorable. It was a 556 page document. Most things that couldn’t be restored were food, toiletries, diapers, and other things that can be easily replaced. There were a few things that were destroyed that had meaning, but for the most part, it is just stuff.

I have been struggling though. Lots of anxiety. I can’t really figure out why though. A couple of weeks ago, we drove by our house. When I saw it, I instantly got sick to my stomach. This morning as they were unloading I felt sick with anxiety. The fire must have really impacted me more than I thought. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we had lost everything and the house burned to the ground. I have always had compassion for those who have been in a house fire, but now I am really compassionate and my heart really goes out to people who have been impacted by fire.  

John and I have been able to help with the Fort Worth Professional Firefighters Charities organization. They helped us out and in return, we are helping them by trying to promote their charity. We were interviewed a couple of weeks ago and we are trying to help them with strengthening their charity as well and give them helpful tips on how to serve people in crisis better. I hope that we can continue to help people who are in need and I hope that this charity can become a bigger and better charity because there is definitely a need.

I am thankful for the ServePro people. They are so nice and seem caring. They have been unpacking and putting stuff away all day. I feel weird just sitting back and watching them unpack our stuff, but I guess that is what they are paid to do. Their slogan is “it’s like it never happened,” and it’s true. A lot of our stuff looks brand new and not damaged at all.

Now the next step is going through all of the non-restorable things and putting a price to them. Then hopefully we can get a settlement to replace the things that were lost, like our couches, mattresses, etc. I really can’t wait to sleep on a real bed. After this, I don’t think I want to sleep on an air mattress ever again.

I am really looking forward to this chapter coming to a close. It has been the easiest crisis we have gone through, but it definitely hasn’t been easy. I am looking forward to some normalcy and feel like we can make memories in our new home again. 

The Roof, The Roof is on Fire!

What a crazy week and a half it has been! I thought the crazy rollover accident I witnessed last Monday morning was going to be the most excitement I would see all week. I guess I didn’t have high expectations since later in the day, our house caught on fire.

It was Monday later afternoon and all of us were home earlier than usual. Jonathan had been sick the weekend prior and the hubby was sick again too. I was able to flex my time since later in the week I had to work late. Since my loved ones were sick, I thought I would take the afternoon off and be home. I had been feeding Jonathan and I got hot. So I turned off the gas fireplace. Then a few minutes later I smelled smoke. I don’t mess around when I smell smoke. So I got up searching for the source. I even went outside to see if I could figure out where it was coming from. When I walked back in, I saw a haze towards our ceiling. I said “the attic!” My hubby got up and looked in our attic. He smelled smoke, but no fire. Our wall behind our fireplace was hot too, so as a precaution, we called the fire department.

The fire department rolled up within a couple of minutes later. They looked around the house and then all of a sudden, they sprinted towards the fire truck. As naive as I was, I didn’t really think anything was the matter. Then I looked up at the house and I saw a flame and lots of smoke! I almost freaked out at this point, but I quickly caught myself as I knew that everything was going to be okay and that I had to be strong for my family. Also, I’m in the business of crisis and our family has been through a lot of crisis, so I guess it was second nature and that I knew it was going to be okay. I was holding Jonathan in my arms real tight as John was working with the firemen.

Of course John had to put that our house was on fire on Facebook, so my phone kept blowing up. I only texted a couple of people to pray, but once the Facebook world heard, tons of phone calls and text messages were coming in. I did my best to get back to everyone at the time, but then again, I was so overwhelmed with what was happening, that I just let the phone calls go to voicemail.

While watching, our neighbors offered help and support. Within 2 hours we got offered 5 different places to stay for the night, a box of diapers, a can of formula and dinner. Some people from our church came by too, which was super helpful to have comfort and my dad just happened to be driving through the area, so he was able to me there too (perfect timing).

After the firemen left, we went inside. I was shocked to see the damage. Our living room, master bathroom and master closet was totally destroyed and we have a giant skylight. Our items didn’t get burned up, but everything was damaged due to water, sheetrock and smoke. I was so thankful that before they started spraying, they took off my pictures that was on the mantel and covered some things so they wouldn’t get as damaged. Also, my wedding dress didn’t get ruined either, which was a blessing because it was in our master closet.  

The last week and a half has been a roller coaster. We found out that the fire was NOT our fault and that the gas fireplace had a malfunction because it was not installed correctly. What is also scary and this is what gives me goosbumps, is that there had been a fire smoldering for about two days prior until it really caught on fire. TWO DAYS!! Just think if we were not home sooner than usual, our situation could have been worse.

Another amazing thing that gives me goosbumps is that tremendous amount of support we have gotten from our community. We have been given gift cards, meals, diapers, clothes, formula, etc., by not only friends, but total strangers. I think we would have had a harder time with this if it wasn’t for the encouragement from people. 

We have been doing well for the most part. There has been a couple of days were I wasn’t fine. Last Saturday was the day I mainly broke down. I don’t really like going to the house anymore. It gives me anxiety, but we had to go every day to check on things. Saturday we walked through and the restoration company had most of our stuff moved from the house. I saw all of these boxes that said “non-restorable.” I was shocked at all of the stuff. It seemed like majority of our things. I think that is when I really lost it as I’m realizing that we have to get new things and that we will never be in that house again (I really liked where we lived). Also, I found out that the smell of smoke gives me anxiety. I smelled a simple fire from a fire pit and I about freaked out.

Tonight we get keys to our new home. We can’t wait to get back to normalcy. We found out the other day we really won’t get any of our belongings back until the beginning of January. Before then, we have to go to the warehouse where are stuff is and look at all the things that are non-restorable and decide the things we are going to leave behind or take. For example, I have a bassinet that I used for Jonathan. Well I know for sure that is non-restorable, but that was used when I was a baby. So I don’t want it to be thrown away, so I have the option to keep it. Even though I am not a materialistic person, I still think this will be hard to look at all of the stuff that we will have to leave behind. Even though it is stuff, it’s still our stuff and it all had a purpose. There were things I saw in boxes that I was surprised that it wouldn’t be restored, so I think I will be surprised when we go.  

After reflecting on this whole thing, we continue to be thankful that we were at home and that we caught it at the beginning. We also have restored faith in people. Just when we were unsure, people have surprised us with love and compassion. We also realize that there is a need for items of those who have suffered a traumatic loss. Though we are aware of the resources available, we realize there needs to be more available, so I am sure we will be giving back when a disaster strikes.

Thank you again for your prayers and support. 

Halloween Baby

Pictures property of Denise Lehr

Working Mom

It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve been back to work. The last three weeks have been miserable, although it’s slightly getting better (kind of). I had no idea that leaving my son with someone everyday was going to be so hard. It is nine hours a day that someone else gets to see his smiles, hear his coo’s, feeds him and give him hugs. I would do anything to still be on maternity leave so I can just spend all day with him and take care of my little boy.

Although being at work gives me a physical break, I still find myself unable to function like I should. Not only am I exhausted, but I notice myself looking at baby pictures throughout the day and daydreaming about my little love muffin.

I feel conflicted at what I am supposed to do with my life. I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be the woman who can have a successful career and be a successful mom at the same time. I have pictured myself in a pressed business suit wearing heels with perfect hair and makeup and carrying a brief case in one hand and a baby in the other. But let’s face it, I hate wearing suits and heels, I haven’t done my hair and put on makeup for months and I don’t have a brief case.

I worked hard to get my degrees. I went to school to make a difference in people’s lives, which I do. I just got an email from a victim saying how she is glad she met me as she is grieving her husband’s death. But what she doesn’t know, is that I am in tears because my job is hard and it is hard to hear stories about how their loved one has been killed so suddenly to a senseless crime. When 2 out of 3 individuals are impacted by drunk driving, the next victim could be my son or husband. There are some days where these stories don’t put me to tears, but then there are days like today where I can’t stop crying because a family is grieving the loss of their great husband, dad and grandpa all because a woman who was high on cocaine and Xanax ran a stop sign.

A few weeks ago at church, there was a message about being in your place. For whatever reason, God has me as a working mom and helping victims. This helps and puts me at ease, but it still doesn’t make dropping Jonathan off at daycare any easier. The ideal situation would be working from home or working part time in an office and part time at home. That would be amazing, but right now that is not in the cards. Maybe one day my wish can be a reality.

For those working mom’s out there, how do you deal being gone from your kids while at work?