The Trials We Face

A couple of days ago, a really good friend told me something that really shook me up. I am honored that my friend came to me and told me something they have been struggling with and I believe our friendship will be better than ever now, but what they told me has caused a stir in my heart and my emotions. At first I was okay with what they told me, but as the shock wore off, I felt hurt, betrayed, and disgusted. It was like my wounds were tore open again and the hurt I have had stored deep down inside resurfaced again.

I have known this person for a long time, but I have always thought there was something going on in my friends heart and spirit. I have taken a few guesses as to what it could be, but when asked, my friend always denied it. For years, I have always put it to God knowing that he would take care of it and when and if the time came for my friend to come to me and share their story, I would be there to listen and help this person get through their struggle.

I am thankful that the time finally came. I know what it is like to keep a deep dark secrete and it can really make an impact on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am glad that I can help my friend try to overcome their struggle. I admit it has been hard because I am dealing with my own hurt and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, so I have to process my feelings on my own. I have asked for prayer and of course I have prayed myself and that is helping. I have known this person forever and I have admired my friend and love them, but I’ve also had a slight hatred because of this person’s actions and the hurt they have caused me in the past. I now feel that all of the hurt that I’ve had stored in my heart can finally be healed because the truth has come out and my friend has finally been honest with me.

I know that it will take time to restore our friendship and to fully trust again, but the hard part is over and now it is the time for a fresh start with our friendship. Even though I am going through my own struggles, God must think I am the right person to help my friend though this. So I am taking this task seriously. I am excited about this and I can’t wait to see what lies ahead in our friendship. I just hope that this person continues to be open and honest with me. I think that is my only fear with this whole situation. They have already taken accountability, but will they always be accountable and share with me when and if they fail?

A verse that has really helped me this week is “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28. His purpose for our trials is often times to bring us towards him and to surrender to him. Not only is he reshaping my friend, he is also reshaping me to be better in all areas of my life.

I know all of us face trials in our lives. We all hate trials, but even though we all wish we never had them, I know that I wouldn’t be strong in my faith. I know that I wouldn’t be a strong woman and I know that I wouldn’t be in the position to help my friend go through something challenging. So as weird as this sounds, I am glad to be a part of this challenging time in my friends life and my life. God will reshape both of us to be better than we ever were.

It's Like it Never Happened...

Today’s the day. This morning a big lime green ServePro truck pulled up to our house. In that truck had our things that make our home a home. In other words, we got our stuff back from the restoration company. Before they arrived, we got a list of things that were non-restorable. It was a 556 page document. Most things that couldn’t be restored were food, toiletries, diapers, and other things that can be easily replaced. There were a few things that were destroyed that had meaning, but for the most part, it is just stuff.

I have been struggling though. Lots of anxiety. I can’t really figure out why though. A couple of weeks ago, we drove by our house. When I saw it, I instantly got sick to my stomach. This morning as they were unloading I felt sick with anxiety. The fire must have really impacted me more than I thought. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we had lost everything and the house burned to the ground. I have always had compassion for those who have been in a house fire, but now I am really compassionate and my heart really goes out to people who have been impacted by fire.  

John and I have been able to help with the Fort Worth Professional Firefighters Charities organization. They helped us out and in return, we are helping them by trying to promote their charity. We were interviewed a couple of weeks ago and we are trying to help them with strengthening their charity as well and give them helpful tips on how to serve people in crisis better. I hope that we can continue to help people who are in need and I hope that this charity can become a bigger and better charity because there is definitely a need.

I am thankful for the ServePro people. They are so nice and seem caring. They have been unpacking and putting stuff away all day. I feel weird just sitting back and watching them unpack our stuff, but I guess that is what they are paid to do. Their slogan is “it’s like it never happened,” and it’s true. A lot of our stuff looks brand new and not damaged at all.

Now the next step is going through all of the non-restorable things and putting a price to them. Then hopefully we can get a settlement to replace the things that were lost, like our couches, mattresses, etc. I really can’t wait to sleep on a real bed. After this, I don’t think I want to sleep on an air mattress ever again.

I am really looking forward to this chapter coming to a close. It has been the easiest crisis we have gone through, but it definitely hasn’t been easy. I am looking forward to some normalcy and feel like we can make memories in our new home again. 

The Roof, The Roof is on Fire!

What a crazy week and a half it has been! I thought the crazy rollover accident I witnessed last Monday morning was going to be the most excitement I would see all week. I guess I didn’t have high expectations since later in the day, our house caught on fire.

It was Monday later afternoon and all of us were home earlier than usual. Jonathan had been sick the weekend prior and the hubby was sick again too. I was able to flex my time since later in the week I had to work late. Since my loved ones were sick, I thought I would take the afternoon off and be home. I had been feeding Jonathan and I got hot. So I turned off the gas fireplace. Then a few minutes later I smelled smoke. I don’t mess around when I smell smoke. So I got up searching for the source. I even went outside to see if I could figure out where it was coming from. When I walked back in, I saw a haze towards our ceiling. I said “the attic!” My hubby got up and looked in our attic. He smelled smoke, but no fire. Our wall behind our fireplace was hot too, so as a precaution, we called the fire department.

The fire department rolled up within a couple of minutes later. They looked around the house and then all of a sudden, they sprinted towards the fire truck. As naive as I was, I didn’t really think anything was the matter. Then I looked up at the house and I saw a flame and lots of smoke! I almost freaked out at this point, but I quickly caught myself as I knew that everything was going to be okay and that I had to be strong for my family. Also, I’m in the business of crisis and our family has been through a lot of crisis, so I guess it was second nature and that I knew it was going to be okay. I was holding Jonathan in my arms real tight as John was working with the firemen.

Of course John had to put that our house was on fire on Facebook, so my phone kept blowing up. I only texted a couple of people to pray, but once the Facebook world heard, tons of phone calls and text messages were coming in. I did my best to get back to everyone at the time, but then again, I was so overwhelmed with what was happening, that I just let the phone calls go to voicemail.

While watching, our neighbors offered help and support. Within 2 hours we got offered 5 different places to stay for the night, a box of diapers, a can of formula and dinner. Some people from our church came by too, which was super helpful to have comfort and my dad just happened to be driving through the area, so he was able to me there too (perfect timing).

After the firemen left, we went inside. I was shocked to see the damage. Our living room, master bathroom and master closet was totally destroyed and we have a giant skylight. Our items didn’t get burned up, but everything was damaged due to water, sheetrock and smoke. I was so thankful that before they started spraying, they took off my pictures that was on the mantel and covered some things so they wouldn’t get as damaged. Also, my wedding dress didn’t get ruined either, which was a blessing because it was in our master closet.  

The last week and a half has been a roller coaster. We found out that the fire was NOT our fault and that the gas fireplace had a malfunction because it was not installed correctly. What is also scary and this is what gives me goosbumps, is that there had been a fire smoldering for about two days prior until it really caught on fire. TWO DAYS!! Just think if we were not home sooner than usual, our situation could have been worse.

Another amazing thing that gives me goosbumps is that tremendous amount of support we have gotten from our community. We have been given gift cards, meals, diapers, clothes, formula, etc., by not only friends, but total strangers. I think we would have had a harder time with this if it wasn’t for the encouragement from people. 

We have been doing well for the most part. There has been a couple of days were I wasn’t fine. Last Saturday was the day I mainly broke down. I don’t really like going to the house anymore. It gives me anxiety, but we had to go every day to check on things. Saturday we walked through and the restoration company had most of our stuff moved from the house. I saw all of these boxes that said “non-restorable.” I was shocked at all of the stuff. It seemed like majority of our things. I think that is when I really lost it as I’m realizing that we have to get new things and that we will never be in that house again (I really liked where we lived). Also, I found out that the smell of smoke gives me anxiety. I smelled a simple fire from a fire pit and I about freaked out.

Tonight we get keys to our new home. We can’t wait to get back to normalcy. We found out the other day we really won’t get any of our belongings back until the beginning of January. Before then, we have to go to the warehouse where are stuff is and look at all the things that are non-restorable and decide the things we are going to leave behind or take. For example, I have a bassinet that I used for Jonathan. Well I know for sure that is non-restorable, but that was used when I was a baby. So I don’t want it to be thrown away, so I have the option to keep it. Even though I am not a materialistic person, I still think this will be hard to look at all of the stuff that we will have to leave behind. Even though it is stuff, it’s still our stuff and it all had a purpose. There were things I saw in boxes that I was surprised that it wouldn’t be restored, so I think I will be surprised when we go.  

After reflecting on this whole thing, we continue to be thankful that we were at home and that we caught it at the beginning. We also have restored faith in people. Just when we were unsure, people have surprised us with love and compassion. We also realize that there is a need for items of those who have suffered a traumatic loss. Though we are aware of the resources available, we realize there needs to be more available, so I am sure we will be giving back when a disaster strikes.

Thank you again for your prayers and support. 

Halloween Baby

Pictures property of Denise Lehr

Working Mom

It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve been back to work. The last three weeks have been miserable, although it’s slightly getting better (kind of). I had no idea that leaving my son with someone everyday was going to be so hard. It is nine hours a day that someone else gets to see his smiles, hear his coo’s, feeds him and give him hugs. I would do anything to still be on maternity leave so I can just spend all day with him and take care of my little boy.

Although being at work gives me a physical break, I still find myself unable to function like I should. Not only am I exhausted, but I notice myself looking at baby pictures throughout the day and daydreaming about my little love muffin.

I feel conflicted at what I am supposed to do with my life. I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be the woman who can have a successful career and be a successful mom at the same time. I have pictured myself in a pressed business suit wearing heels with perfect hair and makeup and carrying a brief case in one hand and a baby in the other. But let’s face it, I hate wearing suits and heels, I haven’t done my hair and put on makeup for months and I don’t have a brief case.

I worked hard to get my degrees. I went to school to make a difference in people’s lives, which I do. I just got an email from a victim saying how she is glad she met me as she is grieving her husband’s death. But what she doesn’t know, is that I am in tears because my job is hard and it is hard to hear stories about how their loved one has been killed so suddenly to a senseless crime. When 2 out of 3 individuals are impacted by drunk driving, the next victim could be my son or husband. There are some days where these stories don’t put me to tears, but then there are days like today where I can’t stop crying because a family is grieving the loss of their great husband, dad and grandpa all because a woman who was high on cocaine and Xanax ran a stop sign.

A few weeks ago at church, there was a message about being in your place. For whatever reason, God has me as a working mom and helping victims. This helps and puts me at ease, but it still doesn’t make dropping Jonathan off at daycare any easier. The ideal situation would be working from home or working part time in an office and part time at home. That would be amazing, but right now that is not in the cards. Maybe one day my wish can be a reality.

For those working mom’s out there, how do you deal being gone from your kids while at work? 

Fourth Trimester

The last 10.5 weeks of motherhood has flown by. I have 1.5 more weeks to go and I will have survived the “fourth trimester” as they call it in parenting world. ‘They’ were not kidding about how exhausted you are and the amount of worrying you do at 3am and the tears your cry for no apparent reason. The first month for me was the hardest. Well, maybe the first six weeks. I don’t think I’ve been so exhausted in my life until Jonathan came into the world. I also don’t think I’ve worried as much either. Who would have thought I would worry about the amount of spit up he does or the color and the amount of poop in his diaper. One thing I didn’t realize before I had Jonathan was how protective I would become. I have always been protective of my family, but now that Jonathan is here, my mama bear claws are sharper than ever.

 Being a mom is hard. I have only “given” up once and have only got frustrated at Jonathan once, but let’s face it. When your changing your kids diaper in the middle of the night as your half asleep and your trying to button your kids pajamas as he’s screaming and kicking his legs, it’s just a matter of time before you lose it. Speaking of buttons, who was the “genius” who thought of putting a zillion buttons on pajamas? Let’s just stick with zippers, ok.

Another thing that has been weird getting used to was saying I have a son. I took Jonathan to a doctor’s appointment one time and they said “can I help you?” I looked at them and said “I have an appointment for my, uhhhh, ummmm, ummmm son.” They of course looked at me funny, but that’s when it really hit me that I have a son and I’m a mom. Then the room started spinning and I almost passed out, haha.

When I hold my baby and I look at his cute little fingers and toes and realize how vulnerable he is, I think about the other babies who are abandoned or not treated with love. I can’t fathom how a parent would harm their own children or wouldn’t give them love. It totally breaks my heart knowing that those parents are out there and little babies who can’t help themselves are in harm’s way every day. I hope that Jonathan realizes one day how lucky he is to have a mom and dad who loves him very much and that they would do anything for him.

Being a mom (and a wife) is the best thing ever. I love it. I am surprised at how much I love it. I can’t wait to go home from work every day to be with my family. I am blessed and thankful that I get to have the privilege to say I am a mother.

Psalm 127:3-5  Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Pictures property of Denise Lehr. 

Christmas in August

On August 14th at 4:44 p.m., I got my Christmas present (better late than never). December 2013, my Christmas wish was to find out that we would have a baby in 2014. Sure enough, our prayers came true and on New Years Eve we found out we were pregnant.

This year has flown by quick as preparing for a little one takes a lot of time and energy. We did baby stuff practically every weekend. It was a lot of work, but it was a lot of fun and the baby has the best room in the house.

In April we found out we were having a boy. We decided to name him Jonathan Christian Lehr. 

My pregnancy wasn't too harsh. I didn't have crazy morning sickness or weird cravings and I didn't become a crazy pregnant lady, well for the most part, haha. Health wise everything was good too, until the last few weeks. My third trimester was HARD!! It was hard walking around for long periods of time, heartburn was out of control, I couldn't sleep well, and I had crazy swelling. I even broke a pair of shoes because my feet swelled so bad. 

It was week 35 when something didn't feel right. I was not feeling good and having weird pain in my belly and I was having a lot of Braxton hicks contractions. I called my doctor and the nurse said it was my body just getting ready for the big day. 

A few days later at my doctors appointment I found out I gained 10lbs since my last appointment and I had high blood pressure. I was diagnosed with mild preeclampsia. I was in shock since just less than two week prior, my doctor said everything looked fine and at that point she wasn't worried about preeclampsia. I thought back to the week prior when I first started feeling ill and realized there really was something going on with my body. Then my doctor said bed rest. WHAT?!? Just like that I went from going to work and doing stuff to not being able to do anything at all. This was hard for me to swallow. Then my doctor started looking at the calendar to see when I would be induced. This is really when I zoned out and I felt like a deer in a headlight. It's a good thing John was with me since I didn't hear anything the doctor said after that.

Being on bed rest was hard at first. Not only did it impact me physically, but emotionally too. My mom was able to fly in and help out while John was at work. It was nice to have her with me. I realized that I really needed to rest and that it was ok to ask for help.

At my week 36 doctors appointment more crazy news came. My blood pressure went down, but I was feeling worse and my vision changed and I kept having headaches. So then my doctor said I had to finish out the remainder of my pregnancy in the hospital. I was devastated. I never spent time in the hospital and hospitals give me anxiety. Plus I just wanted to go home and be comfortable on the couch. But John wouldn't let me go home and he took me next door to the hospital. It was a weird feeling knowing that when I leave the hospital, we would be leaving with a baby. 

Getting checked in seemed like it took forever. I was hoping that the doctor would change her mind and let me go home, but then the nurse wheeled me into my room and said "get comfortable." They hooked me up to these leg cuffs that would "massage" my legs so that I wouldn't develop blood clots. I had to wear them 24/7. They got really annoying, especially when your trying to sleep. I had my blood pressure monitored on a constant bases, and I had to have steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop more stronger since I was only 36 weeks and wasn't official full term yet. Those were not the best. The injection didn't hurt as bad as the aftermath (major stinging) and the steroids made my face and torso red and hot. 

I was thankful that I was able to have a loved one stay in the room with me over night. John stayed with me the first night and my mom stayed the second night. I didn't sleep the first night at all. I was still feeling overwhelmed and wanted to be in my own bed. I was secretly planning my escape, haha. 

On the second day, I got my hopes up on going home. My lab work was good and my blood pressure was staying steady. My doctor said she was waiting for one more test result and if that came back fine, I could go home until the following week when I would be induced. 

I was so excited. I wasn't excited about being induced though. I wasn't comfortable with the thought of bringing my baby into this world when he wasn't ready, but I had to keep in mind that the doctor knows what she is doing and I need to have trust. 

The morning of the day I thought I would be going home, I was just about to get up and take a shower and order breakfast, but just then, my nurse came in and said I had to go to a sonogram. I got to see my sweet baby for the last time in the womb. He looked so big and squished. The tech said he looked good, but the reason for my preeclampsia was that I had really low amniotic fluid and I would be getting induced sooner than expected. Again, I felt like a deer in a headlight. It's a good thing I didn't develop a birth plan because plans kept changing and it was a constant roller coaster of emotions. 

I got back to my room. The nurse said I couldn't eat anything! I was already starving, but I later found out I could have  broth, jello and Popsicles, so at least I could have something. I was hooked up to an IV and wheeled into my new room, which is where I would have the baby. 

Knowing that my baby didn't have much fluid left, I felt better with the idea of being induced. However, being one day before I turned 37 weeks, I wasn't even dilated. This required cervical ripening. This was not fun at all. It was really painful and my body wasn't responding to the medicine. My doctor was starting to talk more about a c-section. This is something I didn't want, but I was prepared to do whatever that needed to be done. 

Fortunately, the last of my cervical ripening procedure ended at midnight. Again, my body wasn't really responding. The nurse said she was going to call the doctor to see if they should prep for a c-section. She then came back and said to continue with more of the ripening until the morning. I had a feeling my doctor didn't want to come in the middle of the night to do a c-section, so I am thankful of the time as I am convinced that if it was any other time of the day, I would have had a different outcome.

At this point I was in pain. It was 3am and hadn't slept, despite the nurse giving me a sleeping pill a couple of hours before. So the nurse gave me some pain medicine. It worked within seconds and I was feeling pretty good and was able to sleep for a couple of hours.

7:30am came and was finally induced. I still hadn't really responded to the medicine, but it was time to get the show on the road. At 9:00 my doctor came in and broke my water. That is when things really started picking up!!!! Within an hour I was dilating nicely and I was asking for an epidural. Why suffer in pain when there is that option and I was going to get one anyway. I am so glad I did. Life was good and was able to have relief. It was weird not being able to feel anything from the waist down. I was thinking, what's the catch? You hear nightmare stories of women screaming in the delivery room, but here I was just hanging out and not feeling anything. The nurse kept telling me I wouldn't feel anything, but I was left puzzled and honestly, I'm still puzzled.

A couple of hours later, my doctor checked in on me. She said within an hour, I was ready to push, however she had to leave on vacation and would have to have another doctor deliver my baby.  I was fine with that, but I got so nervous. We had been waiting 9 months for this moment and it was finally here.

 The nurse started prepping for the delivery. In fact, she had John help. We even started doing some pushing and John helped me with that too. This was an interesting, yet totally bonding moment for us. He saw more than what I was wanting him to see and I think he would agree, but I do think it was neat that he helped out and he did good.

It was really time to push and I think the nurse was getting nervous because the doctor was no where to be seen. Just then, the door flew open and the doctor prepped for delivery. Within 5 minutes, the baby was born. I only pushed for 20 minutes and it wasn't even hard. I remember the doctor saying "push and say hello to your baby." I looked down and he just came right out. They handed him to me and I couldn't believe I was holding my baby boy. He was cutier than I thought he would be and I instantly fell in love. 

Then they cleaned him up, weighed him and did what they do when babies are born. The doctor and nurses took care of me too and my doctor said I could finally eat!! I was starving since I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. 

After about an hour, they wheeled me into my room where I would stay for a couple of days. I was looking forward to some rest, but little did I know, I would get checked on every couple of hours and there is a lot of paperwork to do when you bring a child into this world.

Once again, I didn't get any sleep. In fact, I didn't get any sleep for the next two days while being in the hospital, except when there was "snuggle time" and John made sure that everyone left my room and no one would interrupt me so baby and I could sleep. I slept an hour, but it felt good. 

I was thankful for all of the visitors and the best wishes. We had a lot of support from family and friends. 

I was so thankful for the day we got to go home. I hadn't left the second floor of the hospital for a week and it felt weird to be outside. I even got ill in the car as we were going home. It took me a couple of days for things to stop spinning. 

Since I've been home, I've been learning how to be a mom and trying to figure out our new little boy. It has been hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Baby Jonathan has been growing big everyday and I see how smart he is getting, even at only 4 weeks old. We love him very much and are so blessed to have him in our lives. 

Pictures property of Denise Lehr