Baby Burnout

I think my husband might have re-thought about having baby #2 after what I have been putting him through the last few days…or weeks. 

Week 32 and 33 (the last two weeks) of my pregnancy have most definitely been the hardest so far. I have struggled both mentally and physically and I am counting down the weeks until baby Lehr will be here.

Last week was hard. First, John had to go out of town for a business trip. This was his first trip in a year and a half and I had some anxiety because I hated when he traveled every other week when we first moved to Texas. Thankfully it was just overnight and in all honesty, I was so busy myself that it went by quick. Even though it was just overnight, you have to think differently when your 8.5 months pregnant and home alone. So, the dogs got to sleep with me instead of the laundry room and I set up extra security measures just in case (Home Alone style of course).

I also was having a lot of physical pain. My left side of my neck and shoulder has been kinked. It has been hard to move my neck and there was one time I was seeing flashes of light. I also had pain in my left side of my rib, which started a day or two after my neck pain. It hurt to twist, cough, laugh and to take a deep breath. The pain was so nagging, that it was starting to get to me and wear me down. By Thursday of last week I had enough and scheduled a massage on Friday to get some type of relief. The therapist said it’s just pregnancy related and besides doing stretches and massages, there isn’t anything I can do. Thankfully, that did help a little and even though I still have pain, it hasn’t been as bad.

I have noticed that I have been more tired, more like exhausted in this trimester. It really doesn’t matter if I sleep well, I’m still exhausted. I thought I knew what exhaustion felt like, but no, I didn’t know that there could be a whole different level of exhaustion. This makes going to work hard. I have no motivation and I’m a zombie at work (and everywhere else I go). Thankfully, people understand.

One thing that has been frustrating is that I can’t do things with ease like I could before I got pregnant. Like, sitting on the floor and getting up swiftly or going to multiple stores at a time and not feel like I ran a marathon. I’m starting to miss the good old days of having energy and being able to reach things without planning out a strategy.

Mentally, this all gets to you. I’m afraid I will never return back to “normal.” Which I know is not true, but what happens if my body forgets to deflate or I won’t be able to ever pick up things with ease? 

Also, baby talk is all we (family, friends, etc.) talk about. The last 8 months have been nothing but baby and the world has revolved around prepping for Baby Lehr. Now I’m like, okay, what about me? I have more going on than just having a baby and I feel like relationships have changed because of the baby, and I am not sure if they are for the better.

Also, we all know that kids change the relationship between your husband/wife. I think this is another area where you have no idea how it will change until it happens. This scares me because we already have been through so much, its like, great, what other things must we overcome? Then there is the anxiety of hoping that he isn’t traumatized by what he sees during labor and I'm afraid he will never look at my body the same again. How can droopy boobs, a big belly and stretch marks be attractive? 

What happens if I/we put so much effort on being great parents, we forget about being great spouses. We say that we won’t forget about us and to plan date nights, but we haven’t even had the baby yet and it’s already been about the baby. 

John says I worry to much, but I think it's important to be aware of what could happen instead of being naive. I can think of one thing John said when we were engaged that wouldn't be an issue when we got married and in my opinion it's been a major issue for me. So I'm trying to be aware of issues that could come up instead of being clueless.

I guess having baby burnout is common in the third trimester. I don't feel ashamed because I can't wait to have my sweet boy in my arms and I know it's going to be worth every stretch mark and varicose vein. I guess I would question myself if I didn't have these fears.

I know that God has something special in store and he will guide us through the good and the bad like he always has. We prayed for this baby and he delivered (pardon the pun, haha). I can't even begin to think what challenges that we will face as a family, a couple and individually. I just have to keep putting my faith in God and know that it's going to be ok and as long as God is number one in our lives, things will be ok no matter what the situation may be. 

Third Trimester: The Homestretch

Yesterday I hit my 33’rd week of pregnancy. Every week that I have known I have been pregnant (since week 5), I enjoy checking each week off the calendar. I feel like so far my pregnancy has been pretty easy for the most part. My first trimester complications were feeling super hungry and tired all the time. I didn’t have morning sickness and feel super yucky like some women feel. My second trimester was pretty good too. Again, hungry and tired were my main complaints, followed by heart burn, hip pain at night and swelling in the feet, however, I blame a lot of the heat for my swelling because since it got warm in March, that’s when the swelling began. No, pregnancy hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been a horrible experience either.  I consider myself pretty lucky because I know some women haven’t been so lucky.

Well, little did I know about the evils of the third trimester. Now every week I can “check off” is a huge relief! It’s like the day I went from my second to third trimester, my world changed…and it got really uncomfortable. I’ve said this before, but I will say it again, that no pregnancy book will prepare you for pregnancy. It’s kind of like the books sugar coat things. Yes, it will talk about fatigue, contractions, swelling, stretch marks, etc., etc., but you don’t really have a clue until you have experienced pregnancy first hand. The books won’t tell you that you will feel like you just ran a marathon after going to the grocery store or that you might break a shoe because your feet are so swollen. Or, you’re just feeling great and the next minute you’re puking in the toilet (in your third trimester). Or you have to change your underwear at least twice a day because you’re sweating like a pig or because you’re leaking different kinds of fluids. Or you develop weird rashes in weird places, like the armpit. Oh, and pregnancy brain. Can I get anymore brain dead? I feel like the biggest air head of all time. 

The third trimester has been the most challenging for me and I often think, how I am going to get through this, but the one thing I have enjoyed is how the baby moves differently. He really makes my belly move and he responds to me, dad and music. Also, seeing his sweet face a couple of weeks ago on a 3D sonogram helps me imagine what he looks like in there. I now really feel like I have a sweet baby inside instead of a strange unknown thing that’s draining the life out of me.  

I can’t believe in 4-7 weeks I will be holding my sweet baby Jonathan. Since last weekend when we attended our birthing preparedness class, I don’t have much anxiety about the big day. At first when I got to the class, I had nerves, but I left at the end of the day feeling pretty comfortable knowing the process, seeing the labor and delivery rooms and knowing that I will have a good coach (my hubby) by my side assisting me through my breathing helping me with whatever I may need. 

What Not to Say to A Pregnant Woman

Last week, I read a small article about what not to say to a pregnant woman. Naturally, I read it to see if I can relate. Sure enough, I could relate to half of the article. I would have never thought that the smallest things could get so annoying or even offensive. I guess you got to be pregnant in order to completely understand these things that drive us pregnant woman crazy.

One of the most annoying things that really bug me is when someone comments on my size. Yes, I realize I wasn’t the fittest when I got pregnant (I blame my weight gain on marriage, school, work and Texas food), but most of us in general are not in the best shape to begin with, so I don’t know why people have to bring up the weight issue. Anyway, yes, I have noticed towards the end of my second trimester, not only has my belly gotten bigger, but so has my thighs and arms. Yeah, seeing the flab is not thrilling, but what are you gonna do? I can’t do a high intense workout session every night and when your body is constantly changing, it’s hard to keep up. I have come to realize that’s just how it is and honestly, for once I am not ashamed of how I look. How could I be ashamed? I am growing a baby. I love looking at my baby bump and knowing that in almost 2 months I will be holding my baby in my arms. So if I’m okay with my body, why does everyone have to put me down about how I look? I get a lot grabs of my flab, funny jokes about my weight/size and the “don’t worry, you will lose the weight” comments. I wasn’t even worried to begin with. I know it will take time and hard work, but I am not worried. I also know that I will never be how I was…ever. I mean, how could I be? Things are getting stretched to the max and I’m 32 years old and I don’t have the elasticity of a 22 year old. 

The second annoying comment that I am asked is “should I be eating that?” My answer: “probably not, but…” No, I shouldn’t be eating cake, ice cream, candy bars, cheeseburgers, sandwiches and hot dogs. Here’s the thing about pregnancy cravings that only pregnant women who have experienced cravings will understand. When you get a craving in your head, you just have to have it and it has to be exact. I can be craving a chicken quesadilla from a specific restaurant, but if I’m taken to another Mexican restaurant and order a chicken quesadilla, it’s just not the same and the craving has not been met. At the first part of my pregnancy, I would have cravings, but I could go without. Things have changed since I hit my third trimester. Now, it’s not a question as to whether I should have the food, it’s I NEED the food and I will put up a fuss if I don’t get it. I sometimes day dream about the foods I crave too. It doesn’t help that I found out I don’t have gastric diabetes either, so now I feel like I can have the sugary foods too. That is not good I know, but it’s hard not to get the cravings when just a simple commercial about food will put a pregnant women into a food frenzy.

Another annoying comment is “should I be doing that? Again, my answer: “probably not, but…” No, I shouldn’t be lifting and pulling things out to the dumpster at work or moping the floor, but it needs to get done. Which in all honesty, I won’t be doing that again because that almost killed me, but that’s beside the point. But bending over to pick something up that isn’t heavy is something I can do, well kind of, but I get treated like I am disabled and can’t do anything. I still can do stuff, I just got to do it more strategically. There is a perk to this though. Since people know your pregnant and know that we can’t do heavy lifting and such, we get out of doing things. It’s like we can pull the damsel in distress card and get away with it. It’s nice.

Not all comments have been annoying. Some have been a bit humorous too. Like last weekend as I was leaving Walmart, the greeter who was a teen boy smiled and asked if it was a boy or girl. When I said boy, he just smiled and acted like it was the coolest thing. Also, I get a lot more smiles from men of all ages. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have ginormous boobs and they like what they see or they like extra curves, haha.

I am sure there are more comments and funny things to come in the next two months and I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t any after the baby is here when I’m drooping and leaking. I don’t care that my body is being transformed. People can say whatever they want, but they will never be in my shoes and understand the joy I have being a pregnant woman and knowing that soon I will be holding a sweet baby boy. 

Third Trimester Countdown

So today I entered my third trimester. I can’t believe I have 3 months to go until I give birth, yikes. Knowing that babies come when they want and a baby is considered full term at 37 weeks, I’m figuring I should have everything ready to go at the beginning of August just in case baby Jonathan wants to come at 37 weeks, which would be mid-August. So really, I have about 2 months to get everything done. We still have a lot to do!! We are still working on the nursery and up keep around the house. It seems that every weekend we are busting our hump with something at home, like the lawn, cleaning and organizing and painting.

Last week we were able to buy a few things for the nursery, like a crib and a bed set. My owl nursery is coming together and it’s starting to become official. The colors of the nursery is light yellow, brown, blue, green and gray. Now I can focus on decorating and making the room cute and cozy. We are still in need of some items, so if you want to check out our registry, that would be great. We are registered at Target http://www.target.com/c/baby-registry/-/N-564tn  and Walmart http://www.walmart.com/babyregistry

I am amazed at all of the baby gear that is out there. I literally got sick and had to leave when I went to Babies R Us one time because I was so overwhelmed with everything they had. There have been times where I've had to stop and think, what did our parents do? In the 80’s there wasn't a zillion types of bottles, car seat and stroller choices. Then there is a list of recalls and items that was considered safe, but now dangerous to babies.  It’s way too much to take in and we have had to think realistically what would be best for us in the long run.

Not only am I trying take care of the baby and get things he will need, but I also have to think about what I will need postpartum as well. I mean, this is my first time having a baby and I don’t know what to expect, but I know it’s not going to be pretty. I don’t want to wind up finding myself without the necessities that I know I am going to need to be able to recover from delivery. What necessities did you find helpful when you were recovering from labor/delivery?On top of that, I have to develop a birth plan, which I think will be easier once we take our birthing class next month and we get to check out the maternity ward and learn about whatever we need to know about labor and delivery. Then I have to get all of the paperwork for the hospital finalized and well as finding a pediatrician before I go into labor. So many things to do just to have a baby!

This experience sure has been a learning one for sure, but also exciting. It doesn't seem like I am 7 months along. This year has flown by really quickly and I know the next 3 months will be here before I know it. Then we can think about baby #2! HA HA HA. 

Third Trimester Fun

This week has been killer. I don’t really know how I made it to Friday. It was the shortest, yet longest work week ever. The hubby and I have felt sick and run down all week. I guess our weekend trip to Oregon really took it out of us.

Besides feeling sick with a cold, this week has been hard…harder than last week. As of Thursday, I am 26 weeks. It’s like on Wednesday night as I was sleeping, my body got more possessed and I woke up on Thursday with a new set of pregnancy issues. In the last couple of days, I’ve experienced some really hard baby kicks that have put me in tears, tender ribs, my back hurting because my belly is heavy and today I have carpal tunnel in my right hand.  Oh, and let’s not forget the burning hot lava in my esophagus. I’ve been having heart burn for a while, but I didn’t realize it could get worse. One weird thing that happened the other day was when I was sitting, I was feeling the side of my belly. All of a sudden, I felt a body part, like a foot or something…and it moved. Eww. I’m just beginning my third trimester and I get it when they say the second trimester is the easiest. I’m starting to have a lot of anxiety about my body. If I’m already this uncomfortable now, how will I feel next week or a month from now…and 3 months from now? Help.

Other than the rapid body changes, things are still doing well. Like I mentioned, we went to Oregon last weekend because my sister hosted my baby shower. I felt so honored to have her organize it and she put so much effort into it. Not a lot of people came, since it was Memorial Day weekend, but in a way, I’m glad I didn’t have a big group because I don’t do well with big groups. However I do wish more family could have come, but when you have family all over the country, it’s hard. We got some really cute stuff and I can’t wait until the stuff we got arrive from Oregon.

While I was busy with the baby shower, my hubby went fly fishing with his BFF. I’m still amazed at how the guys swindled their way to having a 2 day fishing trip when the original plan was a 1 day fishing trip. Oh and not to mention the wives were pretty much ignored the whole weekend too, but I’m going to let it slide since my hubby doesn’t get to hang out with a good friend or go fishing that often. Plus when you have been married for 8 years, stuff like that doesn’t get to you as much. Though no matter how long you have been married, you hope your hubby is just as excited about you as he is about fly fishing and hanging out with his BFF. When you’re pregnant, stuff like that can get to you.

In 3 weeks we will be going on our last out of state trip for the year. We are going to Las Vegas for a wedding. Can you just imagine? Me at 8 months pregnant in the hot desert? Should be a blast. After we get back from Vegas, it will really be crunch time until the baby comes. We will be taking a child birthing class and finishing up the last few things that need to be done around the house before our lives change forever. I’m starting to panic knowing that 3 months is going to fly by, but knowing I/we have a lot of support helps. 

I'm Pregnant and I Can't Get Up

As of yesterday, I am 24 weeks pregnant. I’m inching closer and closer to my third trimester. I can’t believe I am almost there. So far my pregnancy has been okay. Yes, it’s had its ups and downs, but I would say that overall, it’s been good. Just being tired all the time has been my major complaint.

Besides seeing the baby on the sonograms, my favorite part so far is actually feeling the baby kick for the first time at 21 weeks. On Mother’s Day, I noticed that I can actually see the baby kick and John felt the baby kick for the first time. It’s fun sitting at home with my shirt up watching my tummy move, but of course every time I tell John to feel my stomach so he can feel the baby kick too, baby Lehr stops kicking (what a tease).Even though my pregnancy has been okay, I’m starting to notice that being pregnancy is becoming harder and harder. For example, it’s extremely hard to get on your hands and knees to retrieve a remote control from under the reclining couch. It’s hard to bend over and pick something up. It’s hard to get up off the couch and even out of bed. I can forget about painting my toenails by myself for a while and shaving my legs is hard too (and its summer weather here).

 Last Friday night while I was sleeping I woke up to a cough and all of a sudden I puked all over myself. It was a lot too. Thankfully my hubby didn't mind changing the sheets and pillows while I took a shower in the middle of the night to clean myself off. I was actually kind of embarrassed by this, but what can I do? Nothing.It seems that every time I look in the mirror, something has developed that it didn't before. My belly button is stretched, I have weird discoloration of skin, cellulite, bigger thighs, swollen feet, cracked heals, dry skin, and stretch marks…the list goes on and on. I can’t keep up with my high maintenance body and in a way, I really don’t mind it at all. Of course this thinking came after I had my meltdown the other night. The look on my husband’s face when I went from angry to crying hysterically was priceless.

I've come to the conclusion that you can read all the baby books you want, but it will never prepare you for what pregnancy does to your mind and body. I am nervous about my third trimester since I've heard not good things about the last couple of months of pregnancy, and of course eventually the baby has got to come out, but I think the main thing (at this point) is keeping positive and remembering that you’re growing a sweet little baby inside and it is going to be worth it in the end. 

Journey

So I am taking a break about writing about pregnancy and babies, because let’s face it, there is more to my life than building and preparing for a little one. Besides experiencing pregnancy this year, I've also been busting my hump at my new job. I am a Victim Services Specialist at Mother’s Against Drunk Driving in Fort Worth. Apparently 400 applicants applied and they picked me. It’s a compliment, but it adds a little pressure too. With having a Master’s degree and working for one of the top Non-profits in the country, it puts you on another level and it has been hard in my opinion to hold up to the expectations and standards that are expected of me, especially when you’re pregnant and you feel blah all the time.

This isn't my first time working with victims of crime. Of course the whole reason why I changed my major from journalism to criminal justice was because I was effected by crime eleven years ago. The way I was treated in the criminal justice system made me so mad, that it made me change my major and help victims of crime. I became a crime victim advocate and been focusing on crime victims since 2003. My focus in grad school was on restorative justice and crime victims and did my thesis project on how victims of crime should have more of a voice, and more opportunities to heal from the crimes they have been effected by. My work is slowly getting recognized as my project will be a main focus on the Oregon Restorative Justice Coalition website.

Meeting victims and hearing stories about those effected by drunk driving is harder than I thought. You really have to watch how you process these stories and it can really effect you and how you view the world. You hear, read or see disturbing things that can really mess up your mind. That is why it’s important to make sure you have a strong support system outside of work. Thankfully I do and since I've been involved in this type of work, I know what works for me and doesn't work.

Even though I am technically doing what I went to school for, I still feel a void and feel like I should be doing more. I am really missing the area of restorative justice and it’s hard not to be able to bring up restorative justice to victims when an organization you work for doesn't approve this form of justice or healing for victims. I know I am where I am supposed to be…for now, but I know there is more out there for me. I have been encouraged lately by simple posts made on my online teaching site I had to create for a class last year. It made me think about other opportunities that I could check into, but still focus on restorative justice and helping victims.

Although, it is annoying not being content with where I am, I know that I am not done growing with my journey. It will be exciting to see where I end up and the impact I make on people. I think most people feel this way as they grow, so I know most of you know how I feel. I think it is important to strive for your full potential instead of being in the same position for years and years and cutting yourself short.