Lots Going On

I haven't posted in a while. LOTS going on. Be back soon....

It's All Mental, Right?!?

For the last couple of months, I’ve felt completely alone. I feel like the only one who gets me in my 9 month old son. Then I think logically and realize he doesn’t know anything about house fires and honesty, but he does know a little bit about anxiety and fear as he has been showing those signs for a few weeks now. So we can connect on that level I guess. 

I’ve always dealt with some type of anxiety. As a kid, it was separation anxiety. As an adult, I still struggle with separation anxiety, but also PTSD from being attacked at age 20, certain relationships cause me to have anxiety and now I’m dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. I also have a lot of anger built up inside. I have a lot of unsettled issues that I can’t seem to get over or I get triggered and I am constantly reminded of the hurt. Also, I have discovered that I have a lot of anger towards our house fire. The last time I drove by the house, I got so angry. I don’t really know why I’m angry, but I am.

So here I am, dealing with old and new anxiety and anger with no one to talk to or help me understand how to handle some of these feelings. I’ve at least pinpointed out the real issues, it’s just dissecting each piece and going from there and coming up with new ways on how to deal because the old ways isn’t working anymore.

My feelings have put strain on some of my relationships. It’s hard to fully respect someone when they haven’t fully respected me or have been honest the whole time I have known them. Then I’m expected to go on and act like it’s no big deal. Or there has been other friends and family who have really hurt me and I just don’t know how to deal with them anymore.

I am a true believer of mental health care, but it seems like not a lot of people are on board with my beliefs. It’s super hard to find a good person to talk to and when you find that person, they are expensive. I’m still trying to find someone, but in my opinion, it shouldn’t be so hard. However, this is America and whenever you need help, you gotta jump through burning hoops to get anywhere.

I find it amazing how life events can affect your brain. Some say, “Oh, just snap out of it” or “it’s all mental.” Obviously they didn’t listen in psychology class because traumatic events can cause damage or imbalances and it takes more than snapping out of something to get back to “normal.”

I’m hoping that I can find some relief or some understanding soon. Have you ever had built up anxiety, fear or anger? How have you dealt with it?

Essential Oils: The New Lehr Craze

In 2008 when we moved to Portland, I began having weird health symptoms, mostly dealing with headaches. I have always dealt with headaches since I was young, but these headaches seemed different. I went to doctor after doctor.  They just kept prescribing medicine that didn’t seem to help me at all. Then one day a friend of mine suggested I go see a naturopath doctor.

I scheduled my first appointment. My doctor’s office was in SE Portland and if you know anything about Portland, you know that SE is the place of diversity and uniqueness aka Keep Portland Weird. I open the door to the clinic and I was taken back by how soothing the waiting room was. It was NOT your typical doctor’s office. There was a big window and outside they had a garden. There were plants everywhere and it just seemed so relaxing.

I met my doctor for the first time. I came with a page full of symptoms ranging from headaches, acne, dry skin and rashes. My doctor spent a whole hour and a half of uninterrupted time listening to me and how I have been feeling!! What western doctor does that?  My doctor suggested a few tests to see what was going on. Long story short, I had found out that I had a food allergy to dairy and sugar. I wasn’t surprised by the sugar since my dad can’t have sugar, but I was blown away by the dairy news. I went home and read about dairy and how it can cause all of the symptoms I was having. Getting off dairy is hard. I am still not 100% off dairy, but I have decreased my dairy usage and my headaches decreased and have felt much better. Who would have thought that a food allergy was the culprit of a lot of my health problems?

I was then sold on natural medicine. I went back to my doctor a few times due to other health problems and instead of prescribing me medicine, it was always a natural remedy of tinctures, salves and supplements…that really worked.

Since 2008, I have been on a quest to live a healthy lifestyle and not give in to medicine and even products with chemicals. It took a bit to convince my husband, but he is starting to catch on. Thankfully since then, we have a lot of friends who have similar interests and are into the natural lifestyle and we have learned tips and tricks that we have incorporated into our home.

For the most part, our house is full of non-toxic cleaning supplies and healthy alternatives. No, we are not perfect and slip a Tylenol here and there or temporally use a popular soap until we get our normal soap in stock, but we have come a long way to make our home healthier.

The most resent thing I have incorporated into our house is essential oils. I have always been interested in essential oils, but haven’t had the money or time to really understand the benefits. I got some oils from my sister for Christmas. I have been hooked ever since. I love lavender. I use it every night before bed. It calms me down and I feel like I sleep better. There have been times where I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t go back to sleep. I then reapply some lavender oil and the next thing I know, I am back to sleep.

The last few months have been super stressful for me. I have been dealing with more headaches. This is where I admit that my diet has not been the most healthiest, which is probably the main culprit of these headaches, but I can’t rule out stress either. I have used peppermint oil and within a half an hour, my headaches were gone. Speaking of stress, I have used the stress away oils and I do feel less anxious and not as stressed.

A couple of weeks ago I had strep throat. I didn’t have any lemons, so I used my lemon oil and added it to a hot cup of water and honey for my throat. It provided immediate relief. Also Thieves helped my throat too. Also, I didn’t want my family to get sick, so I diffused thieves and so far, my family hasn’t gotten sick.

I’ve only been using essential oils for a short amount of time, but I can already see amazing results. I can’t wait to keep using essential oils and experimenting with them to see what other amazing things that can be life changing and make our lives and home healthier.

Please contact me for more information about essential oils. I would be happy to talk with you and get you started with your essential oils experience. 

Why Texas?

Why Texas? This is a question I keep asking myself more and more these days, especially since coming back from Oregon last week.

3 years ago we packed up our stuff and moved from Portland to Texas because John got a job right out of grad school that was too good to pass up. We had no hesitations moving here. It just seemed right. At first I really liked Texas. It was warm, it was sunny and it didn’t rain every day. There was a lot of stuff to do too. There was no reason not to love living in Texas. That feeling quickly went away about a year after we got here.

Reality kicks in every time we go back to Oregon to visit. Reality kicks in when family comes to visit us. I’ve gotten to the point where I dread going back home to visit because I know the entire time I will be heart broken and question why we don’t live near our friends and family.

I had some comfort after our house fire in December when we had no home for a week. Here was the opportunity to go wherever we wanted since we were homeless, but God quickly helped us find a home to lease within a week. We signed a 2 year lease and I felt God really directing our path. I thought to myself, ok, we have at least 2 more years in Texas. I was fine with that, but for some reason, my mind still questions why we live in Texas.

Last week we spent some time in California and Oregon. The moment we landed in Oakland, I got tears in my eyes. I knew right then I was going to have a tough time being home. The next day when we woke up, it was sunny and I saw palm trees. The air was amazing. I could actually breathe!! I was back in a familiar territory. I have a fascination with the bay area. I always have been since I was 14 and have always said that one day I would live there.

Seeing family is always great, but it also breaks my heart. It’s even worse now that we have a son. I don’t think it is fair that my son can’t see his family all the time. I also don’t think we should have to split time with family when we visit. It’s just stupid. It shouldn’t be that way. I don’t like it.

Another bummer about our vacation was that my son got bad allergies. I was hoping that the fresh air would actually help my son with his allergies, but it got worse. He didn’t sleep, he was fussy and I felt like I was a brand new mother all over again. Mid way through our vacation, I couldn’t wait to get back to Texas because he would have his own bed and be in his own environment. This thought made me more confused. Was God trying to tell me something and hint that Texas isn’t that bad? Ugh.

I’m trying to give Texas another chance. In the last 3 years, we have gone from food stamps, to buying all the food we want. We have gone from a small apartment to a 2 story house. Working at a part time job and now working for one of the top non-profits in the country. We have friends and have church. Plus John and I are stronger than ever and we went from a family of 2 to a family of 3. With all of the good things that have come out of living in Texas, how could I not like it here?

Have you been in a similar situation? How have you dealt with it? What brought you peace? 

Hmmm...

So this has been on my mind since the whole SEA fraternity outbreak that happened a couple of weeks ago. I’m not going to lie, I was a little giddy over the fact that they shut down a fraternity. No offense to the Greeks out there, but I can’t stand the Greek life, especially fraternities.

When I lived in Eugene, my apartment was surrounded by Abercrombie, Audi driving preppy boys that for some odd reason loved hanging out on the roof of their frat house listening to David Mathews Band (note: this was in the year 2000-2002).  This was just the daytime, but then there was the weekends, and by weekends, I mean starting Thursday night there was parties ALL THE TIME.

The one piece of advice that I actually listened to when I went straight to college out of high school was never go to a frat party. Why? Because I would get dated rapped. So I stayed away from the frats, even though I learned real quickly that partying was not my thing anyway. I mean really, have you been to a party and see someone wasted? They look like idiots and they put themselves in danger. I don’t want to look pathetic or get hurt.

Now I am not saying that EVERY frat guy is a sexual predator, but I can’t help but think that when I hear about frat guys. Although, at this point, I feel that all guys are sick pervs and it’s hard for me to respect men. Yeah, I know…totally feminist right now, but that’s how I’m seeing things right now because no man has proved me wrong yet.  

Anyway, I have mixed emotions on why the fraternity was shut down. Last time I checked, it was 2015, not 1950. There shouldn't be racism, but there is and there will always be racism. This is one thing I got out of my anthropology class back in the day. We talked about racism and I came to the realization that we will always judge others by the way they look and we will never be treated equal. Now, look at the news today or even just a TV show or song. Do you hear racism or judgment? YES! But life goes on as we know it. So why is this frat situation SO horrible that the University had to shut down a fraternity because they were drunken idiots chatting racist remarks behind closed doors?

Now, let’s get to the part where I am really confused. You have a University that shuts down a fraternity for racist remarks, but what about the girls that get rapped every weekend inside those fraternities? What about the illegal drugs and underage drinking that are used inside the fraternities? I’m guessing that is acceptable even though those are actually crimes.

When will protecting women’s safety be important? Look at the NFL. They are starting to get on the whole domestic violence and sexual assault campaign. Which I am glad, even though I kind of see it as fake because I think the NFL was feeling the pressure and they wanted to get the victim rights advocates off their back. I hope I am wrong because having men stand up for women’s rights is a huge step in trying to change oppression.

My wish is that one day women can feel safe and that violence against women will be taken seriously. Maybe one day an organization will be shut down because of a criminal act towards women. I can’t wait for that day. I will be really giddy then for sure!!!  

This is What I Do...

I find it a bit funny when people ask what I do for a living. I say “I work for MADD.” They have a surprised reaction, then they ask what I do for MADD. I explain that I am a victim specialist and I help victims with whatever they may need, i.e., criminal justice system, emotional support, referral to resources, facilitate support groups, VIPs, etc. Then it seems like they get weirded out and don’t know what to say because it usually gets awkward. Some say “I don’t know how you do it?” I’m like, okay…??? Someday when I’m feeling sassy, I will say “I don’t know how you ____(insert their lame job)” I get where they are coming from, but it kind of gets annoying because it makes me feel like I’m a freak for wanting to help people.

Being a victim advocate is hard and it’s not for everyone. We are a special group of people for sure. Not everyone can call someone who just lost a loved one the night before and have a conversation with them. Or assist someone who has survived a crash, but they struggle on a daily basis because they have flashbacks of their crash or they are disabled due to being injured. Or what is really hard is telling someone the realities of the criminal justice system. Yes, the drunk driver killed someone, but most likely they are only going to get probation because they will agree to a plea bargain.

Working with cases dealing with kids is especially hard for me. I know the realities of life and I know that one minute you’re alive and the next you could be dead. I have always been fearful of death, and this job has definitely magnified my fear of sudden loss. I try to make every moment count and try to be extra safe, especially in the car. Which I wish some other family members did the same.

I often question why I do what I do. I mean, my original major was journalism, which changed to criminal justice and not because I was interested in the topic. I too became a crime victim and wasn’t satisfied with the justice system. So I thought I could help change it or at least help victims who don’t know what to do after they have been involved with a crime. I guess that is what keeps me going. For some reason God sent me in this direction and until I’m called in another direction, it is what I am supposed to do.

I find it interesting the paths that God puts us on. All of these non-profit organizations have been created because someone became a victim of crime and they were not going to sit back and feel sorry for themselves for the rest of their life. They take action. They fight for justice. They take a negative situation and put it towards something positive. That is how MADD got started. That is how many of these other non-profits got started because they too have been a victim. Yesterday I met a woman who started a non-profit with her mom because she was shot and became paralyzed 20 years ago. She now helps disabled victims. If it wasn’t for her, there wouldn’t be a resource for some of my victims who are dealing with disability due to their injuries. There are some pretty fascinating stories and people in my field. You can’t get that working at a bank or McDonalds….

My Lucky Charm

Jonathan's first St. Patrick's Day. Love him more and more everyday.