Halloween Baby

Pictures property of Denise Lehr

Working Mom

It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve been back to work. The last three weeks have been miserable, although it’s slightly getting better (kind of). I had no idea that leaving my son with someone everyday was going to be so hard. It is nine hours a day that someone else gets to see his smiles, hear his coo’s, feeds him and give him hugs. I would do anything to still be on maternity leave so I can just spend all day with him and take care of my little boy.

Although being at work gives me a physical break, I still find myself unable to function like I should. Not only am I exhausted, but I notice myself looking at baby pictures throughout the day and daydreaming about my little love muffin.

I feel conflicted at what I am supposed to do with my life. I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be the woman who can have a successful career and be a successful mom at the same time. I have pictured myself in a pressed business suit wearing heels with perfect hair and makeup and carrying a brief case in one hand and a baby in the other. But let’s face it, I hate wearing suits and heels, I haven’t done my hair and put on makeup for months and I don’t have a brief case.

I worked hard to get my degrees. I went to school to make a difference in people’s lives, which I do. I just got an email from a victim saying how she is glad she met me as she is grieving her husband’s death. But what she doesn’t know, is that I am in tears because my job is hard and it is hard to hear stories about how their loved one has been killed so suddenly to a senseless crime. When 2 out of 3 individuals are impacted by drunk driving, the next victim could be my son or husband. There are some days where these stories don’t put me to tears, but then there are days like today where I can’t stop crying because a family is grieving the loss of their great husband, dad and grandpa all because a woman who was high on cocaine and Xanax ran a stop sign.

A few weeks ago at church, there was a message about being in your place. For whatever reason, God has me as a working mom and helping victims. This helps and puts me at ease, but it still doesn’t make dropping Jonathan off at daycare any easier. The ideal situation would be working from home or working part time in an office and part time at home. That would be amazing, but right now that is not in the cards. Maybe one day my wish can be a reality.

For those working mom’s out there, how do you deal being gone from your kids while at work? 

Fourth Trimester

The last 10.5 weeks of motherhood has flown by. I have 1.5 more weeks to go and I will have survived the “fourth trimester” as they call it in parenting world. ‘They’ were not kidding about how exhausted you are and the amount of worrying you do at 3am and the tears your cry for no apparent reason. The first month for me was the hardest. Well, maybe the first six weeks. I don’t think I’ve been so exhausted in my life until Jonathan came into the world. I also don’t think I’ve worried as much either. Who would have thought I would worry about the amount of spit up he does or the color and the amount of poop in his diaper. One thing I didn’t realize before I had Jonathan was how protective I would become. I have always been protective of my family, but now that Jonathan is here, my mama bear claws are sharper than ever.

 Being a mom is hard. I have only “given” up once and have only got frustrated at Jonathan once, but let’s face it. When your changing your kids diaper in the middle of the night as your half asleep and your trying to button your kids pajamas as he’s screaming and kicking his legs, it’s just a matter of time before you lose it. Speaking of buttons, who was the “genius” who thought of putting a zillion buttons on pajamas? Let’s just stick with zippers, ok.

Another thing that has been weird getting used to was saying I have a son. I took Jonathan to a doctor’s appointment one time and they said “can I help you?” I looked at them and said “I have an appointment for my, uhhhh, ummmm, ummmm son.” They of course looked at me funny, but that’s when it really hit me that I have a son and I’m a mom. Then the room started spinning and I almost passed out, haha.

When I hold my baby and I look at his cute little fingers and toes and realize how vulnerable he is, I think about the other babies who are abandoned or not treated with love. I can’t fathom how a parent would harm their own children or wouldn’t give them love. It totally breaks my heart knowing that those parents are out there and little babies who can’t help themselves are in harm’s way every day. I hope that Jonathan realizes one day how lucky he is to have a mom and dad who loves him very much and that they would do anything for him.

Being a mom (and a wife) is the best thing ever. I love it. I am surprised at how much I love it. I can’t wait to go home from work every day to be with my family. I am blessed and thankful that I get to have the privilege to say I am a mother.

Psalm 127:3-5  Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Pictures property of Denise Lehr. 

Christmas in August

On August 14th at 4:44 p.m., I got my Christmas present (better late than never). December 2013, my Christmas wish was to find out that we would have a baby in 2014. Sure enough, our prayers came true and on New Years Eve we found out we were pregnant.

This year has flown by quick as preparing for a little one takes a lot of time and energy. We did baby stuff practically every weekend. It was a lot of work, but it was a lot of fun and the baby has the best room in the house.

In April we found out we were having a boy. We decided to name him Jonathan Christian Lehr. 

My pregnancy wasn't too harsh. I didn't have crazy morning sickness or weird cravings and I didn't become a crazy pregnant lady, well for the most part, haha. Health wise everything was good too, until the last few weeks. My third trimester was HARD!! It was hard walking around for long periods of time, heartburn was out of control, I couldn't sleep well, and I had crazy swelling. I even broke a pair of shoes because my feet swelled so bad. 

It was week 35 when something didn't feel right. I was not feeling good and having weird pain in my belly and I was having a lot of Braxton hicks contractions. I called my doctor and the nurse said it was my body just getting ready for the big day. 

A few days later at my doctors appointment I found out I gained 10lbs since my last appointment and I had high blood pressure. I was diagnosed with mild preeclampsia. I was in shock since just less than two week prior, my doctor said everything looked fine and at that point she wasn't worried about preeclampsia. I thought back to the week prior when I first started feeling ill and realized there really was something going on with my body. Then my doctor said bed rest. WHAT?!? Just like that I went from going to work and doing stuff to not being able to do anything at all. This was hard for me to swallow. Then my doctor started looking at the calendar to see when I would be induced. This is really when I zoned out and I felt like a deer in a headlight. It's a good thing John was with me since I didn't hear anything the doctor said after that.

Being on bed rest was hard at first. Not only did it impact me physically, but emotionally too. My mom was able to fly in and help out while John was at work. It was nice to have her with me. I realized that I really needed to rest and that it was ok to ask for help.

At my week 36 doctors appointment more crazy news came. My blood pressure went down, but I was feeling worse and my vision changed and I kept having headaches. So then my doctor said I had to finish out the remainder of my pregnancy in the hospital. I was devastated. I never spent time in the hospital and hospitals give me anxiety. Plus I just wanted to go home and be comfortable on the couch. But John wouldn't let me go home and he took me next door to the hospital. It was a weird feeling knowing that when I leave the hospital, we would be leaving with a baby. 

Getting checked in seemed like it took forever. I was hoping that the doctor would change her mind and let me go home, but then the nurse wheeled me into my room and said "get comfortable." They hooked me up to these leg cuffs that would "massage" my legs so that I wouldn't develop blood clots. I had to wear them 24/7. They got really annoying, especially when your trying to sleep. I had my blood pressure monitored on a constant bases, and I had to have steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop more stronger since I was only 36 weeks and wasn't official full term yet. Those were not the best. The injection didn't hurt as bad as the aftermath (major stinging) and the steroids made my face and torso red and hot. 

I was thankful that I was able to have a loved one stay in the room with me over night. John stayed with me the first night and my mom stayed the second night. I didn't sleep the first night at all. I was still feeling overwhelmed and wanted to be in my own bed. I was secretly planning my escape, haha. 

On the second day, I got my hopes up on going home. My lab work was good and my blood pressure was staying steady. My doctor said she was waiting for one more test result and if that came back fine, I could go home until the following week when I would be induced. 

I was so excited. I wasn't excited about being induced though. I wasn't comfortable with the thought of bringing my baby into this world when he wasn't ready, but I had to keep in mind that the doctor knows what she is doing and I need to have trust. 

The morning of the day I thought I would be going home, I was just about to get up and take a shower and order breakfast, but just then, my nurse came in and said I had to go to a sonogram. I got to see my sweet baby for the last time in the womb. He looked so big and squished. The tech said he looked good, but the reason for my preeclampsia was that I had really low amniotic fluid and I would be getting induced sooner than expected. Again, I felt like a deer in a headlight. It's a good thing I didn't develop a birth plan because plans kept changing and it was a constant roller coaster of emotions. 

I got back to my room. The nurse said I couldn't eat anything! I was already starving, but I later found out I could have  broth, jello and Popsicles, so at least I could have something. I was hooked up to an IV and wheeled into my new room, which is where I would have the baby. 

Knowing that my baby didn't have much fluid left, I felt better with the idea of being induced. However, being one day before I turned 37 weeks, I wasn't even dilated. This required cervical ripening. This was not fun at all. It was really painful and my body wasn't responding to the medicine. My doctor was starting to talk more about a c-section. This is something I didn't want, but I was prepared to do whatever that needed to be done. 

Fortunately, the last of my cervical ripening procedure ended at midnight. Again, my body wasn't really responding. The nurse said she was going to call the doctor to see if they should prep for a c-section. She then came back and said to continue with more of the ripening until the morning. I had a feeling my doctor didn't want to come in the middle of the night to do a c-section, so I am thankful of the time as I am convinced that if it was any other time of the day, I would have had a different outcome.

At this point I was in pain. It was 3am and hadn't slept, despite the nurse giving me a sleeping pill a couple of hours before. So the nurse gave me some pain medicine. It worked within seconds and I was feeling pretty good and was able to sleep for a couple of hours.

7:30am came and was finally induced. I still hadn't really responded to the medicine, but it was time to get the show on the road. At 9:00 my doctor came in and broke my water. That is when things really started picking up!!!! Within an hour I was dilating nicely and I was asking for an epidural. Why suffer in pain when there is that option and I was going to get one anyway. I am so glad I did. Life was good and was able to have relief. It was weird not being able to feel anything from the waist down. I was thinking, what's the catch? You hear nightmare stories of women screaming in the delivery room, but here I was just hanging out and not feeling anything. The nurse kept telling me I wouldn't feel anything, but I was left puzzled and honestly, I'm still puzzled.

A couple of hours later, my doctor checked in on me. She said within an hour, I was ready to push, however she had to leave on vacation and would have to have another doctor deliver my baby.  I was fine with that, but I got so nervous. We had been waiting 9 months for this moment and it was finally here.

 The nurse started prepping for the delivery. In fact, she had John help. We even started doing some pushing and John helped me with that too. This was an interesting, yet totally bonding moment for us. He saw more than what I was wanting him to see and I think he would agree, but I do think it was neat that he helped out and he did good.

It was really time to push and I think the nurse was getting nervous because the doctor was no where to be seen. Just then, the door flew open and the doctor prepped for delivery. Within 5 minutes, the baby was born. I only pushed for 20 minutes and it wasn't even hard. I remember the doctor saying "push and say hello to your baby." I looked down and he just came right out. They handed him to me and I couldn't believe I was holding my baby boy. He was cutier than I thought he would be and I instantly fell in love. 

Then they cleaned him up, weighed him and did what they do when babies are born. The doctor and nurses took care of me too and my doctor said I could finally eat!! I was starving since I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. 

After about an hour, they wheeled me into my room where I would stay for a couple of days. I was looking forward to some rest, but little did I know, I would get checked on every couple of hours and there is a lot of paperwork to do when you bring a child into this world.

Once again, I didn't get any sleep. In fact, I didn't get any sleep for the next two days while being in the hospital, except when there was "snuggle time" and John made sure that everyone left my room and no one would interrupt me so baby and I could sleep. I slept an hour, but it felt good. 

I was thankful for all of the visitors and the best wishes. We had a lot of support from family and friends. 

I was so thankful for the day we got to go home. I hadn't left the second floor of the hospital for a week and it felt weird to be outside. I even got ill in the car as we were going home. It took me a couple of days for things to stop spinning. 

Since I've been home, I've been learning how to be a mom and trying to figure out our new little boy. It has been hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Baby Jonathan has been growing big everyday and I see how smart he is getting, even at only 4 weeks old. We love him very much and are so blessed to have him in our lives. 

Pictures property of Denise Lehr

Baby Burnout

I think my husband might have re-thought about having baby #2 after what I have been putting him through the last few days…or weeks. 

Week 32 and 33 (the last two weeks) of my pregnancy have most definitely been the hardest so far. I have struggled both mentally and physically and I am counting down the weeks until baby Lehr will be here.

Last week was hard. First, John had to go out of town for a business trip. This was his first trip in a year and a half and I had some anxiety because I hated when he traveled every other week when we first moved to Texas. Thankfully it was just overnight and in all honesty, I was so busy myself that it went by quick. Even though it was just overnight, you have to think differently when your 8.5 months pregnant and home alone. So, the dogs got to sleep with me instead of the laundry room and I set up extra security measures just in case (Home Alone style of course).

I also was having a lot of physical pain. My left side of my neck and shoulder has been kinked. It has been hard to move my neck and there was one time I was seeing flashes of light. I also had pain in my left side of my rib, which started a day or two after my neck pain. It hurt to twist, cough, laugh and to take a deep breath. The pain was so nagging, that it was starting to get to me and wear me down. By Thursday of last week I had enough and scheduled a massage on Friday to get some type of relief. The therapist said it’s just pregnancy related and besides doing stretches and massages, there isn’t anything I can do. Thankfully, that did help a little and even though I still have pain, it hasn’t been as bad.

I have noticed that I have been more tired, more like exhausted in this trimester. It really doesn’t matter if I sleep well, I’m still exhausted. I thought I knew what exhaustion felt like, but no, I didn’t know that there could be a whole different level of exhaustion. This makes going to work hard. I have no motivation and I’m a zombie at work (and everywhere else I go). Thankfully, people understand.

One thing that has been frustrating is that I can’t do things with ease like I could before I got pregnant. Like, sitting on the floor and getting up swiftly or going to multiple stores at a time and not feel like I ran a marathon. I’m starting to miss the good old days of having energy and being able to reach things without planning out a strategy.

Mentally, this all gets to you. I’m afraid I will never return back to “normal.” Which I know is not true, but what happens if my body forgets to deflate or I won’t be able to ever pick up things with ease? 

Also, baby talk is all we (family, friends, etc.) talk about. The last 8 months have been nothing but baby and the world has revolved around prepping for Baby Lehr. Now I’m like, okay, what about me? I have more going on than just having a baby and I feel like relationships have changed because of the baby, and I am not sure if they are for the better.

Also, we all know that kids change the relationship between your husband/wife. I think this is another area where you have no idea how it will change until it happens. This scares me because we already have been through so much, its like, great, what other things must we overcome? Then there is the anxiety of hoping that he isn’t traumatized by what he sees during labor and I'm afraid he will never look at my body the same again. How can droopy boobs, a big belly and stretch marks be attractive? 

What happens if I/we put so much effort on being great parents, we forget about being great spouses. We say that we won’t forget about us and to plan date nights, but we haven’t even had the baby yet and it’s already been about the baby. 

John says I worry to much, but I think it's important to be aware of what could happen instead of being naive. I can think of one thing John said when we were engaged that wouldn't be an issue when we got married and in my opinion it's been a major issue for me. So I'm trying to be aware of issues that could come up instead of being clueless.

I guess having baby burnout is common in the third trimester. I don't feel ashamed because I can't wait to have my sweet boy in my arms and I know it's going to be worth every stretch mark and varicose vein. I guess I would question myself if I didn't have these fears.

I know that God has something special in store and he will guide us through the good and the bad like he always has. We prayed for this baby and he delivered (pardon the pun, haha). I can't even begin to think what challenges that we will face as a family, a couple and individually. I just have to keep putting my faith in God and know that it's going to be ok and as long as God is number one in our lives, things will be ok no matter what the situation may be. 

Third Trimester: The Homestretch

Yesterday I hit my 33’rd week of pregnancy. Every week that I have known I have been pregnant (since week 5), I enjoy checking each week off the calendar. I feel like so far my pregnancy has been pretty easy for the most part. My first trimester complications were feeling super hungry and tired all the time. I didn’t have morning sickness and feel super yucky like some women feel. My second trimester was pretty good too. Again, hungry and tired were my main complaints, followed by heart burn, hip pain at night and swelling in the feet, however, I blame a lot of the heat for my swelling because since it got warm in March, that’s when the swelling began. No, pregnancy hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been a horrible experience either.  I consider myself pretty lucky because I know some women haven’t been so lucky.

Well, little did I know about the evils of the third trimester. Now every week I can “check off” is a huge relief! It’s like the day I went from my second to third trimester, my world changed…and it got really uncomfortable. I’ve said this before, but I will say it again, that no pregnancy book will prepare you for pregnancy. It’s kind of like the books sugar coat things. Yes, it will talk about fatigue, contractions, swelling, stretch marks, etc., etc., but you don’t really have a clue until you have experienced pregnancy first hand. The books won’t tell you that you will feel like you just ran a marathon after going to the grocery store or that you might break a shoe because your feet are so swollen. Or, you’re just feeling great and the next minute you’re puking in the toilet (in your third trimester). Or you have to change your underwear at least twice a day because you’re sweating like a pig or because you’re leaking different kinds of fluids. Or you develop weird rashes in weird places, like the armpit. Oh, and pregnancy brain. Can I get anymore brain dead? I feel like the biggest air head of all time. 

The third trimester has been the most challenging for me and I often think, how I am going to get through this, but the one thing I have enjoyed is how the baby moves differently. He really makes my belly move and he responds to me, dad and music. Also, seeing his sweet face a couple of weeks ago on a 3D sonogram helps me imagine what he looks like in there. I now really feel like I have a sweet baby inside instead of a strange unknown thing that’s draining the life out of me.  

I can’t believe in 4-7 weeks I will be holding my sweet baby Jonathan. Since last weekend when we attended our birthing preparedness class, I don’t have much anxiety about the big day. At first when I got to the class, I had nerves, but I left at the end of the day feeling pretty comfortable knowing the process, seeing the labor and delivery rooms and knowing that I will have a good coach (my hubby) by my side assisting me through my breathing helping me with whatever I may need. 

What Not to Say to A Pregnant Woman

Last week, I read a small article about what not to say to a pregnant woman. Naturally, I read it to see if I can relate. Sure enough, I could relate to half of the article. I would have never thought that the smallest things could get so annoying or even offensive. I guess you got to be pregnant in order to completely understand these things that drive us pregnant woman crazy.

One of the most annoying things that really bug me is when someone comments on my size. Yes, I realize I wasn’t the fittest when I got pregnant (I blame my weight gain on marriage, school, work and Texas food), but most of us in general are not in the best shape to begin with, so I don’t know why people have to bring up the weight issue. Anyway, yes, I have noticed towards the end of my second trimester, not only has my belly gotten bigger, but so has my thighs and arms. Yeah, seeing the flab is not thrilling, but what are you gonna do? I can’t do a high intense workout session every night and when your body is constantly changing, it’s hard to keep up. I have come to realize that’s just how it is and honestly, for once I am not ashamed of how I look. How could I be ashamed? I am growing a baby. I love looking at my baby bump and knowing that in almost 2 months I will be holding my baby in my arms. So if I’m okay with my body, why does everyone have to put me down about how I look? I get a lot grabs of my flab, funny jokes about my weight/size and the “don’t worry, you will lose the weight” comments. I wasn’t even worried to begin with. I know it will take time and hard work, but I am not worried. I also know that I will never be how I was…ever. I mean, how could I be? Things are getting stretched to the max and I’m 32 years old and I don’t have the elasticity of a 22 year old. 

The second annoying comment that I am asked is “should I be eating that?” My answer: “probably not, but…” No, I shouldn’t be eating cake, ice cream, candy bars, cheeseburgers, sandwiches and hot dogs. Here’s the thing about pregnancy cravings that only pregnant women who have experienced cravings will understand. When you get a craving in your head, you just have to have it and it has to be exact. I can be craving a chicken quesadilla from a specific restaurant, but if I’m taken to another Mexican restaurant and order a chicken quesadilla, it’s just not the same and the craving has not been met. At the first part of my pregnancy, I would have cravings, but I could go without. Things have changed since I hit my third trimester. Now, it’s not a question as to whether I should have the food, it’s I NEED the food and I will put up a fuss if I don’t get it. I sometimes day dream about the foods I crave too. It doesn’t help that I found out I don’t have gastric diabetes either, so now I feel like I can have the sugary foods too. That is not good I know, but it’s hard not to get the cravings when just a simple commercial about food will put a pregnant women into a food frenzy.

Another annoying comment is “should I be doing that? Again, my answer: “probably not, but…” No, I shouldn’t be lifting and pulling things out to the dumpster at work or moping the floor, but it needs to get done. Which in all honesty, I won’t be doing that again because that almost killed me, but that’s beside the point. But bending over to pick something up that isn’t heavy is something I can do, well kind of, but I get treated like I am disabled and can’t do anything. I still can do stuff, I just got to do it more strategically. There is a perk to this though. Since people know your pregnant and know that we can’t do heavy lifting and such, we get out of doing things. It’s like we can pull the damsel in distress card and get away with it. It’s nice.

Not all comments have been annoying. Some have been a bit humorous too. Like last weekend as I was leaving Walmart, the greeter who was a teen boy smiled and asked if it was a boy or girl. When I said boy, he just smiled and acted like it was the coolest thing. Also, I get a lot more smiles from men of all ages. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have ginormous boobs and they like what they see or they like extra curves, haha.

I am sure there are more comments and funny things to come in the next two months and I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t any after the baby is here when I’m drooping and leaking. I don’t care that my body is being transformed. People can say whatever they want, but they will never be in my shoes and understand the joy I have being a pregnant woman and knowing that soon I will be holding a sweet baby boy.