Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Time to start blogging again...
It's been a while since I've been on here typing away whatever is on my mind. It's time to get back to typing away. I continue to be reminded that it is important to take care of myself more and more. Not just physically, but mentally and of course spiritually too.
I am at a very exciting, important and vulnerable 'place' in my life as I just moved over 2,000 miles away from Oregon, the only place I really know...to Texas, place I never been too until we moved here. Not only did I moved (which was sudden), but I will be 30 in a couple of weeks and in June, I will be graduating with my Masters degree in Conflict Resolution. I am starting another chapter in my life. That is why it is exciting, important and makes me vulnerable.
Though I don't know what is ahead of me, I am looking forward to what's next. I know that I am and will be taken care of. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I am thankful for the life experiences thus far, but I have a feeling that this next chapter will be awesome. :)
I am at a very exciting, important and vulnerable 'place' in my life as I just moved over 2,000 miles away from Oregon, the only place I really know...to Texas, place I never been too until we moved here. Not only did I moved (which was sudden), but I will be 30 in a couple of weeks and in June, I will be graduating with my Masters degree in Conflict Resolution. I am starting another chapter in my life. That is why it is exciting, important and makes me vulnerable.
Though I don't know what is ahead of me, I am looking forward to what's next. I know that I am and will be taken care of. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I am thankful for the life experiences thus far, but I have a feeling that this next chapter will be awesome. :)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Music that Lifts Me Up
I like music. Who doesn't? Christian music is my favorite music to listen to. It's uplifting, encouraging and positive. I really like listening to christian music when things are not going great. It helps me get through things easier and the music reminds me that I am not alone and there is hope. These are some of my favorite songs. Enjoy.
1. You love me anyway by Sidewalk Prophets
2. Light up the Sky by The Afters
3. You Lift Me Up by The Afters
4. Forgiven by Sanctus Real
5. Strong Tower by Kutless
6. Your Love by Brandon Heath
7. Strong Enough by Matthew West
8. Down by Mat Kearney
9. Beautiful by Mercy Me
10. Restless by Switchfoot
Here are some of the songs....
1. You love me anyway by Sidewalk Prophets
2. Light up the Sky by The Afters
3. You Lift Me Up by The Afters
4. Forgiven by Sanctus Real
5. Strong Tower by Kutless
6. Your Love by Brandon Heath
7. Strong Enough by Matthew West
8. Down by Mat Kearney
9. Beautiful by Mercy Me
10. Restless by Switchfoot
Here are some of the songs....
Strong Enough
This past month I have cried more times than in my whole entire life...well, at least it seems that way. The events in my life that have taken place in the last few weeks have been super hard for me. Only a very few people know what has been going on, and I thank those people from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, counseling me and just being a listening ear.
I have not enjoyed what I have had to go through in the last month, and there was a few times where I wasn't sure if I could get through it and I even wanted to walk away from the situation. I know that there is a reason why I am going through this hard time. God had this planned out and there is something to be learned here. I think that I may be at the tail end of this super hard trial (at least I hope so) and I can see now what benefits this trial will bring.
I've spent a lot of alone time (not my choice) and during this time of being alone, I have been able to reflect on who I am, who I want to be and changes I can apply to be the person I ultimately want to become. I have reflected on my relationships with friends and family, my marriage and the ultimate one, my relationship with God.
I actually feel like I have grown as a person in the last month. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. I guess this trial was something I needed...even though I wish it was a bit less harsh. :)
I still have my up's and down's and still feel uncertain at times, but I hope that once things start settling down in my life, I hope that things will be better than ever and that I can continue to grow into that woman I want to be.
A song that has really hit home with me during this time is "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. It's been kind of motivating to me and comforts me in a musical way.
I have not enjoyed what I have had to go through in the last month, and there was a few times where I wasn't sure if I could get through it and I even wanted to walk away from the situation. I know that there is a reason why I am going through this hard time. God had this planned out and there is something to be learned here. I think that I may be at the tail end of this super hard trial (at least I hope so) and I can see now what benefits this trial will bring.
I've spent a lot of alone time (not my choice) and during this time of being alone, I have been able to reflect on who I am, who I want to be and changes I can apply to be the person I ultimately want to become. I have reflected on my relationships with friends and family, my marriage and the ultimate one, my relationship with God.
I actually feel like I have grown as a person in the last month. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. I guess this trial was something I needed...even though I wish it was a bit less harsh. :)
I still have my up's and down's and still feel uncertain at times, but I hope that once things start settling down in my life, I hope that things will be better than ever and that I can continue to grow into that woman I want to be.
A song that has really hit home with me during this time is "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. It's been kind of motivating to me and comforts me in a musical way.
Security
As my prison journey starts in a couple of weeks, I have decided to make my 2 blogs (this one and my prison blog) private and only selected people can view the blogs. Why? Because the inmates I will be working with have access to the internet and they are curious of who I am (as well as the other facilitators) and I don't want them to find my blogs (which I have Googled and have found myself easily). I want to keep things private as much as possible, especially when it could impact my safety and security. If you would like to be one of the ones who would like to read my blogs, give me your email address and I will add you to my list of readers. :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Confusion and Heartache
The last two weeks of my life has been tough. Everything was going great...until my husband, who works 60+ hours a week this summer, plus working on a few on-going school projects had a break down. At least that's what I call it.
For the past 2 weeks I have been living with an imposter. This man I share a life with looks like the man I love, but isn't acting like the man I know. He is always gone, and when I do see him, he wants to be left alone. He rather talk to other people, like his co-works than the people that love him the most. This behavior creates much heartache and confusion for me.
Why is this happening?
The only thing that I think is causing this "break down," is that my husband doesn't understand how big his plate is. He takes on way too much stuff, thus creating stress and tension on him and his family. I wish that he didn't feel like he had to take on everything that comes his way. Doesn't he know that he is not only causing problems for himself, (i.e. lack of sleep, headaches, muscle tension, etc), but causing problems with the relationship of his wife (me) and other family members?
I understand to a point why he takes on a lot. He is suppose to be the leader of this household, so he has to work to support our little family. I get that. I also understand when you are offered great learning opportunities, you take all you can get to build a resume. But shouldn't there be a boundary of how much you take on?
I remember the last two terms of my undergrad. I was pulling 18 credits each term and was literally running from work to three back to back classes every other day. I had to do this because if I didn't, I couldn't graduate that spring. I learned my lesson. I did eventually have a break down. I promised myself I would never put myself into a situation like that again. It was very stressful and hard on my body. I am more mindful of what I take on in my life so I don't have to feel that way again.
I wish my husband could learn from his break-downs. Maybe I will get lucky and he will learn from this one? I just wish that he wouldn't take on so much and that he will be able to be more balanced in life. He doesn't get a day off. Everyone should have at least one day off a week to rest and relax! I am worried about my husband's health. He doesn't sleep, has stress levels off the chart, headaches and neck tension. This guy is only 27!
Instead of my man figuring things out on his own, I wish he would seek positive counsel, like a pastor that could give him advice and guidance. I think that would help. I don't know where or who he is going/seeking for help or how he is processing things, but it kind of scares me because I get the impression that it's not positive or he is getting the appropriate guidance he needs. I am afraid that when this is "over," he will be changed and it won't be for the better. I pray that he will be a better person when this is done.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I have prayed and continue to pray and had counsel. I just want things to be back to normal. I don't know how many nights I can spend home alone and wonder when he will be home (since he doesn't communicate), or constantly getting ignored and feeling like I am the worst person in his eyes. He says "it's not not me....just him," but he makes me feel like I'm his enemy. He wants my support and help, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the biggest joke and not getting treated well. I bend over backwards for him to help him, but I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Instead, I just get grumpt at. Therefore, I have been spending my recent days crying my eyes out.
I can't wait until the day we can cuddle on the couch, go on a date night, have dinner together and just have peace between us. Why do I feel like I will have to wait a while for this? I'm so sad. I shouldn't have to be going through this pain. My heart is broken and not sure if it will ever be repaired.
For the past 2 weeks I have been living with an imposter. This man I share a life with looks like the man I love, but isn't acting like the man I know. He is always gone, and when I do see him, he wants to be left alone. He rather talk to other people, like his co-works than the people that love him the most. This behavior creates much heartache and confusion for me.
Why is this happening?
The only thing that I think is causing this "break down," is that my husband doesn't understand how big his plate is. He takes on way too much stuff, thus creating stress and tension on him and his family. I wish that he didn't feel like he had to take on everything that comes his way. Doesn't he know that he is not only causing problems for himself, (i.e. lack of sleep, headaches, muscle tension, etc), but causing problems with the relationship of his wife (me) and other family members?
I understand to a point why he takes on a lot. He is suppose to be the leader of this household, so he has to work to support our little family. I get that. I also understand when you are offered great learning opportunities, you take all you can get to build a resume. But shouldn't there be a boundary of how much you take on?
I remember the last two terms of my undergrad. I was pulling 18 credits each term and was literally running from work to three back to back classes every other day. I had to do this because if I didn't, I couldn't graduate that spring. I learned my lesson. I did eventually have a break down. I promised myself I would never put myself into a situation like that again. It was very stressful and hard on my body. I am more mindful of what I take on in my life so I don't have to feel that way again.
I wish my husband could learn from his break-downs. Maybe I will get lucky and he will learn from this one? I just wish that he wouldn't take on so much and that he will be able to be more balanced in life. He doesn't get a day off. Everyone should have at least one day off a week to rest and relax! I am worried about my husband's health. He doesn't sleep, has stress levels off the chart, headaches and neck tension. This guy is only 27!
Instead of my man figuring things out on his own, I wish he would seek positive counsel, like a pastor that could give him advice and guidance. I think that would help. I don't know where or who he is going/seeking for help or how he is processing things, but it kind of scares me because I get the impression that it's not positive or he is getting the appropriate guidance he needs. I am afraid that when this is "over," he will be changed and it won't be for the better. I pray that he will be a better person when this is done.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I have prayed and continue to pray and had counsel. I just want things to be back to normal. I don't know how many nights I can spend home alone and wonder when he will be home (since he doesn't communicate), or constantly getting ignored and feeling like I am the worst person in his eyes. He says "it's not not me....just him," but he makes me feel like I'm his enemy. He wants my support and help, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the biggest joke and not getting treated well. I bend over backwards for him to help him, but I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Instead, I just get grumpt at. Therefore, I have been spending my recent days crying my eyes out.
I can't wait until the day we can cuddle on the couch, go on a date night, have dinner together and just have peace between us. Why do I feel like I will have to wait a while for this? I'm so sad. I shouldn't have to be going through this pain. My heart is broken and not sure if it will ever be repaired.
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